crazy times coming up......

I so feel like a crazy person on a regular basis.  Today I had a babyless day and I got nothing accomplished.  It's not like I just sat around and did nothing... I just didn't get anything done.  Tomorrow I have SO MUCH to do.  

We leave for Michigan via PA on Thursday morning-ish.  In order to break up our trip (since Charli isn't that great in the car) we are stopping for the night at my friend Jackie's house in PA.  I haven't seen her in 9 year.  It was 11 before that!  She has been my best friend since I was 4!  In the 9 years since we saw eachother... she got married and had two kids and I got married and have one kid!  There will be A LOT of introductions going on Thursday!  I cannot wait!  Aaron is not really looking forward to this trip at all.  It means he is traveling a lot.  I did promise to drive a lot though!  

We are going to Michigan to visit my Papa.  I don't know how I am going to handle this honestly.  He at least won't be in the hospital anymore, just a rehab center.  I am not used to ever seeing him not my big strong strapping Papa.  It is definitely going to throw me for a loop.  My emotions are already so all over the place.  AHHH.  Aaron will only be there for the first two days and then the last two days we'll be there (he is going to work from Michigan).  So I'll be relying on myself to be strong enough for Charli and I to handle this.  Something I definitely don't have in me right now.  I wish Aaron could be there but at least he will be there to help me on the drive.  

Something else that's going to make visiting Papa harder is that his sister in law just died from basically the same cancer he has.  They discovered it almost the same way too.  It just makes it that much harder.  And I wish I could be there for my cousin but we leave that same day.  

We have some pictures of me from Papa's house when I was a baby.  I am hoping to get the same idea of pictures of Charli!  Hopefully she is good and lets me do some photo shoots.  And hopefully I get the hang of my camera and take great pictures.  I am hoping they can be her one year photos!!!!  

Ok well since tomorrow is going to be such a busy day.... I better get to bed!  No pictures in this post! 

New CAMERA!!!!!

So both Aaron and I's camera's were starting to act all wonky.  Mine is 5 years old and Aaron's is 4.  To me that doesn't seem old... but considering how much I use BOTH of them... I am not really surprised.  They are going to start getting a good break!  We bought a new Nikon D5000 :)  I am SOOOO excited.  In the first 2 days I had it I took over 600 pictures.  Lots of playing around with the different scenes and all.  Only got about 5 good pictures out of it! HAHA.  I need to find some classes.  I know they are offered.  I just don't know where.  

Well I need to go to bed... Here are a few pictures from the new CAMERA :)

 asleep on the way home from getting the new camera!

 so cute

 loving on Momma

 beautiful... even with food on her face ;)

 playin with Aunt Kell!

 my loves

 lovin on Scooter!

so fast, she was blurry!

serenity......

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will direct your paths.

Proverbs 3, 5-6

I need those more than you will ever understand right now.  Just when I think things are getting better here at home, BAM smack me in the face and throw me to the ground.  I can honestly say I think the relationship with my mother is beyond repair.  I don't think even moving out will fix it.  She acts as if I like living here.  As if this was by choice.  As if we are doing this just to make her miserable.  Hate to break it to ya.... I hate it too.  While I am grateful.  I hate it.  It's ruined my family.  It's put unnecessary stress on my marriage.  I'm sure somehow it has affected my daughter because of how stressed we all are.  Trust me, it's not where I want to be.  Somehow, some way... this is for a reason.  What that reason is... I am not sure.  I am so frustrated.  AHHHHH

 

Here are a couple pics from Charli....

 Charli before Uncle Erick's wedding

 Grandma got her to smile while Grandpa held her :)

 waiting for the wedding to start!

 trying to get a good picture... instead she got Daddy good ;)

 falling asleep at the table...

 passed out..... in the middle of the reception!

stupid boy.

We will leave the title as is.

I'm feeling a little angsty right now.  Ok, a little is an understatement.  I've cried ALL day long.  I have quite the migraine to prove it.  A lot of stress about the housing situation.  I won't go into it though.  It's a private situation but ARGH.  

I hate post partum.  Endofstory.  It's a bitch.  Even more so when you aren't doing ANYTHING about it.  I don't know if now that I am a year post partum, now it's just depression or what.  But I don't even have motivation to get help.  Why should I.  I don't have support behind me.  That is one of the biggest things they tell you to have, a support system.  My living situation, while we are grateful for it... is very stressful.  It's so tense that I can't ask for the support.  I have asked for it and I don't get the emotional support I need.  Sometimes all I want is a damn hug from my Mommy.  Just like Mommy-kisses make all better, so do Mommy-hugs.  AHHHHHHH.  

More and more I end up wishing we'd stayed in Texas.  As much as I wanted to be closer to family... all this move did was strain relationships except with Aaron's parents.  I have a feeling that is more strained than I realize too.  I don't think they will ever fully accept me.  But that's ok.  I've tried more than they will EVER know.  I mean, things are good with them.  We get along... but I still always have that feeling that if we didn't have Charli.... but they love their son and their granddaughter more than words can explain... that is truly all that matters.  

I'm just an emotional weepy gross mess today.  I probably shouldn't blog.  It could be bad.  I'll leave you with some pictures instead.

 Charli had spaghetti and meatballs

 so cute.

 I couldn't handle any more than this...

BATHTIME

so... about that....

Ahhh I have been trying so hard to get some work done on my latest venture.  But lately Charli won't even let me out of her sight let alone allow me the time to work on any crafts.  I have wanted to get something like this started since I was pregnant with her!  I ordered a bunch more stuff and should get it in soon :)  I am going to have to take some days when Aaron is home to just focus on making some products.  Maybe I should just really see how Aaron's Mom would be with taking Charli for a day here and there.  I just always feel so bad because she is so clingy (Charli) and fussy for others.  I don't want to stress anyone else out.  Although, it could also greatly help with that.  Charli doesn't even show any interest lately in her toys... just me.  It's kind-of overwhelming lately.  She will come to me and cry but then once I pick her up she flails and cries more.  More frustrating than anything has been yet with her.  

No matter how frustrating she can be... she is still my baby and I still love her to pieces.  I watched the Casey Anthony verdict today and bawled.  Even if she didn't actually murder her child... she had something to do with it.  Who in the hell lets their child go missing for 31 days before reporting it?  If my daughter is out of my sight for more than 5 seconds, I am looking for her!  AHHHH.  I'm just so disappointed all around in the verdict.  

Anyways, so Charli has finally figured out how to get down the landing at the bottom of the stairs.  We have a gate up on the landing for the actual stairs but have left it so she can get to the landing.  I've been working hard with her on teacher her to get down so that IF she ever gets to the stairs without supervision (highly unlikely) she can figure out how to get down instead of getting stuck and possibly falling.  I do get that she can still fall.  

My Mom came home today.  She had been gone since Friday morning.  Charli was all excited for seeing her.  It was super cute.  She babbled away and goofed off with her all night long.  She is too cute.  

Charli has figured out the concept of a fork and spoon and even uses them as properly as a one year old can.  It's quite exciting.  Except for the fact that there are already some foods that she doesn't seem to want to pick up, needs a fork haha.  So cute.  I love it.  

Well I am in the middle of Teen Mom so this post is becoming distracting ;)  I won't lie, I am addicted.  

Here are some pictures from Charli playing outside today!!!!

 with her new beach ball sprinkler!

 more interested in the bucket of water....

 oh wait, I found dirt....

oh HEYYYYY Momma :)

Happy Birthday America!!!!!!!

No walking yet.  I was really hoping she would at least be walking by 4th of July LOL.  Oh well.  She has a mind of her own for sure!  

Today is the day to be thankful for those who have given their lives for our freedom.  Or given their time for our freedom.  Thank you troops. 

So I have started my newest venture.  It has been quite an adventure so far.  I am going to be making and selling things for kids.  Bows, headbands, hair clips, tutus, lovey blankets, painted letters (maybe lol) and anything else I can eventually think of.  So far I have gotten a ton of supplies and started working on some.  I really need a time when Charli is asleep or someone is here and I'm not having to make food, clean or whatever LOL.  Once I make a stock of stuff, I'll be going online to Etsy to sell them!  I eventually want to build up enough stock to also do a booth at craft shows and what not.  So far it has been very therapeutic for me.  I hope it stays that way.  I am still doing a lot of learning!!!  I started making a tutu and almost sliced my finger off!  I wasn't fully paying attention when I was using my new rotary cutter to cut the tulle.  I just barely ran it over my finger but managed to slice it deep and almost all the way around my finger!!!!  A lot of the tutorials online are for using hot glue to make bows or tying the tulle onto a waistband.  I am trying to figure out ways to make sure they are sewn so that they are more durable!  I want to make sure my products are good quality!

Alright well this is a short update, I need to get everything ready and together so Charli and I can hit up Baker Park for Fourth of July festivities tonight :)

We no longer have a baby.....

So Charli is officially a year old!  Can you believe it?!  I sure can't.  I swear she looks different since 5:21pm on June 12, 2011.  She looks older.  Acts older.  IS OLDER!  AHHH.  She had a great birthday too!!!  She got to celebrate all weekend!  On Saturday, we had a birthday party for her!  It almost didn't happen either!  On Mon-Wed she had a high fever around 102-103.  It would break occasionally but not much.  We ended up going in to the Dr on Weds because really, that's just too high for being teething.  Thursday no fever at all.  Friday she wakes up with this weird looking rash starting at her hairline and going down her body.  Well, my mother freaks me out really bad and insists its measles.  Well through my sobbing I check the internet.  It does in fact look like measles and she has all the symptoms.  I call the Dr again and am bawling.  They have us bring her in and we have to sneak her in.  I was just a total wreck.  As if seeing a rash on Charli for the first time ever isn't enough, she might have a really bad sickness.  Thank God for the amazing dr's we see!  They all insisted it didn't actually look like measles and that she would still have a high fever with it.  By the time we'd gotten to the Dr it had spread and looked more defined instead of blotchy anyways.  Well they chalked it up to an unexplained rash.  Not a fan of that term... but ok.  We asked the Dr 8767 times in 99837 ways if we should cancel her party or postpone it.  He said he wouldn't.  So we didn't.  We just call the people with kids to let them know so they don't freak out when they got here.  The dr just said to keep an eye on her temperature and otherwise we should be fine!!!!  He said to try some Benadryl and see what that did for her.  Well I immediately started filling her with Benadryl.  It worked!  BUT you could definitely tell the second it started wearing off.  It was so frustrating.  I was still freaking out so much.  My baby had something unexplained.  I wanted to do whatever I could to figure out why she had it and what was wrong.  

Saturday morning rolls around... Charli gets up and has a little bit of the rash still.  So I pump her full of some more meds and other than that she is perfectly fine.  No fussy nothing.  Good!  She is up for a few hours and then we put her down so that she will get up just in time for the party.  I went and woke her up just as the first guest got to the house.  Her party was awesome.  She seemed to really enjoy it!  A little after the cake, she ended up having a rash again... a little more Benadryl and it was gone.  I was so glad everyone could make it!!!  Only one person didn't come because of the rash... which I TOTALLY understand... another didn't come because their baby was sick :(  Poor fella.  Other than that... it was perfect.  After most people left we had some of Aaron's friends stay and hang out.  We tried to get my roommates to stay too but they all had to drive far to get home :(  We had a blast.  That night I decided I didn't want to give Charli anymore meds and see if the rash would get worse or go away.  Sunday morning (her actual birthday) she woke up with NO RASH or anything!!!!  Perfect birthday!!!!!!

Sunday we decided to just relax and enjoy the time with Charli.  Perfect way to ring in her actual turning one!!!!  That night we went to Baker Park to see a Beatles cover band!  Charli seemed to really enjoy that!  

Monday was total clean up day!  We got all her new stuff organized and put away and sat and watch the videos from her party!  She is so cute!  She melts my heart.  Of course little fatty ate ALL of the cake we gave her, not getting any on the floor or hardly any on her face HAHA.  

Things with my mom suck.  I no longer want to spend any time with her.  I am sick of her making me feel like I'm a terrible person.  I just tell the truth and she says I'm a bad sister, daughter, wife and mother. Thanks.  This coming from a stellar specimen herself.  I've decided that as long as it doesn't interfere with Charli, I'm not going to go get more help for post partum until we are out of this house.  There is no point in it.  Nothing will get better as long as we are here.  And it doesn't matter that people know whats going on with me, it just keeps getting worse. So I have put up a wall.  The bitch has come out.  I can't hold my tongue anymore, I can't keep the looks off my face.  I am done.  I am in survival mode.  

Anyways, this was about Charli... so here are some pictures from this weekend!

 Charli in her birthday outfit I made (well not the skirt)

 The cake I made!

 Charli with Grandma!

 Charli and I at her party

 The yummy cake and cupcakes!

 Yummmmmmmmmy!

 121 Reunion at Charli's party!

 Birthday girl first thing in the morning :)

 Family portrait on Charli's birthday!

 Daddy and Charli playing with some toys!

 Charli trying out her new bike from us!

Hangin out with Daddy!!!!

I'll leave it with a HUGE thank you to everyone who helped us celebrate all weekend with Charli.  She is amazing.  She has blessed our lives in every single way possible.  Here is to millions of more birthdays :)