So much for a non-depressing post....

My kitty died last night.  He was going to be 20 this march.  I know, I know... I should have expected it.  But I didn't.  I am horrible with change and especially death.  He has been with me since I was 8.  He was my baby and my firstborn.  I can remember the day we went and got him.  I can remember him through so many things.  I wasn't even here.  I was at Kelly's.  It kills me that I didn't get to say goodbye and see him alive one more time.  I didn't want to see him before he went to the vet to .... ok I can't even talk about that part.  To me, it was just like seeing someone in their coffin.  I absolutely hate doing it.  It freaks me out and I didn't want to do that for Tiger.  I miss him so much.  I haven't been able to really stop crying since I found out.  I'm a weepy mess.  Apparently he was cuddling with my mother when he stopped breathing.  That makes it a little better as last week he was locked in the basement so that he wouldn't jump on daddy after he had shoulder surgery.  That makes me feel like a terrible person.  But there is no way I could have known he was going to die this weekend.  I miss him.  I stare at his picture and I just want to touch him and curl up with him. 

RIP my beautiful kitty.  Tiger Tigger The Purrbox.... November 12, 2011.  Forever love you!

Ok, I'm going to try to upload pictures again since they wouldn't last time....

Ok apparently not.  it let me upload one picture and no more..... GRRRR.

Snowtober?!

Ech.  I just never want to blog right now... I always feel like it is just going to be all out negative.  I'm trying so hard to get past this.  We never thought we would hit two years living with my parents.  We are definitely going to hit two years.  And we may even be pushing into 2012.  I can tell you now, if we ring in the new year in this house... I will cry all night long.  I need a new beginning.  We all do.  

I was all excited that this house might pull through and we would be able to decorate our own house for Christmas this year.  Sadly, I don't think that is going to happen.  Not one bit.  It makes me want to curl up and cry.  It's not the same not decorating your own house.  Last year a fight happened and I didn't do any decorating.  The first year we were here, things were still good since we'd only been back a couple weeks... The Christmas spirit will not be here in me if we are still here.  I really didn't want my daughter to celebrate her 2nd Christmas in someone else's house.  This house situation has been going on for over a year now.  Who knew that it was such a rough and tough process!  I think we are all beyond frustrated.  We can only hope to remain appreciative to what we do have though.  I am seriously trying to focus on that right now.  Everything is out of our hands so we need to be beyond appreciative.  AHHHH.

So it snowed the weekend of my birthday!  How awesome!  There were still some patches of snow on Halloween :)  HEHE.  Now if only we can have a White Christmas too!  

Ok so I tried to add pics... it won't let me.  I'll try again later.

Why oh Why did we ever leave TX?

I have to ask myself this every single day all day long.  Why did I feel the need to be back here in MD so badly?  I struggle daily in trying to justify why we wanted to come back.  We wanted to be close to family and friends who lived here.  We wanted to be able to share our children with our family and friends.  We wanted to not feel so left out of things back here in MD.  What we never planned for was living with my parents for almost 2 years.  For having NO way out of this house.  We have gone over our finances to a point where our eyes cross.  Up and down left and right... trying to figure out every possible way to get out.  No matter what way we played it... it wasn't going to happen.  If I got a job and had to put Charli into daycare, then we would only be paying for daycare.   Because of Aaron's job, its not like we could work days and one nights.  It isn't like one of our parents stayed at home and could watch Charli for a discounted amount.  Our mothers do work different hours than most people and could possibly watch her in the afternoons.  Well with that as the option we could afford... I still wouldn't make enough money to get us out.  I would have to make 40K a year AFTER taxes.  Unfortunately with my degree (not supplementing it in some way...) that isn't really a possibility.  School isn't a possibility because again, we'd need daycare.  We have too many student loans.  If we didn't pay a grand a month in loans, life would be completely different.... I could only work a part time job and be able to move out.  But those loans are what paid for Aaron to go to college... what got him his degree.  What got him a job at a commercial airline.  Yes, they may pay SHIT (trust me, anything you think about what pilots make... cut it in fourths...TRUST.) but it's a job.  Shockingly, his job has been stable.  We haven't had any issues with the possibility of him loosing it.  In the airline industry in today's time... that is amazing.  They are actually expanding... RAPIDLY.  He should be upgraded to Captain in no time.  And possibly even over to AA instead of AE in no time... that being said... we can't move on until then.  Without help.  I let my parents know our every little move towards moving out.  I try to help them understand why we can't afford it.  I try to show to them that I am in fact a grown up and we are being realistic about our finances.  That we have chosen the smartest path for our family even if it does keep us here.  That if we even attempted to move out, we would sink... we would rack up so much debt it is ridiculous.  Why can't they see that this is the grown up responsible thing for us to do.  I understand that living with other adults can be stressful and crazy.  But wouldn't you do ANYTHING for your kids.  Would you have prefered we stayed in Texas.  You wouldn't have gotten to see Charli be born... you wouldn't get to see her grow up as much as you do, all the firsts and the cuteness.  She wouldn't be so attached to you as she is.  Why can't you see that.  All you see is you hatred for Aaron and I.  You can't even see the damage you have done.  The damage that can't be fxed.  There is no repair for this magnitude of hurt.  I no longer think they love me, I think they put up with us because of an obligation they feel.  Can you imagine feeling that way.  I can't remember the last time either parent told me they loved me.  It's not their fault.  If you don't feel it, you don't feel it.  I used to think my family was super close.  Now I feel like my life was a lie.  That I always just imagined us the way we were.  I try to sit here and figure out if we did something to bring all of this on.  If we are truly that difficult to live with.  If we are really this terrible.  I can't figure it out.  I used to cook all the time for the house (now for some reason no one wants me to...).  I am constantly cleaning the house.  I try so hard to not take over the house (with a child... that is the hardest thing ever...).  I make sure her stuff is cleaned up all throughout the day.  I don't want to have her suffer.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  

We are still impatiently waiting to hear if we got this house or not.  Don't worry... all that bitching about money... we have serious help.  We still couldn't do it on our own if we wanted.  

My MOPS group is my saving grace.  I think I would be lost without it.  No one really knows whats going on in my life there... but I feel like they would be there in a heartbeat.  Just knowing that, helps tremendously.  

I try to get through each day by focusing on my amazing daughter.  Most days it works.  Lately it is getting harder and harder.  And she is getting cuter and cuter.  

And I have tried to talk to them.  But anytime I do... it becomes a fight.  I'm a deadbeat or my husband is lazy.  Which is so far from the truth.  Do they not realize what they are doing.  They are burning a bridge with their daughter. 

Oh the changes!

Sorry I am so scattered with the updates!  Life is just too much for me sometimes lately.  I think my anxiety attacks are back FULL FORCE.  Bad.  Very bad.  

So Charli is now fully walking all by herself.  EVERYWHERE.  She wanders around the house haha.  She paces back and forth as if she is practicing her walking.  It is the cutest thing ever.  She is also blowing kisses, giving kisses, clapping and giving hugs.  It is so precious.  Her little personality is just too much :)  Everyday it is something new and cuter.  It also turns out that for the past month she has had a sinus infection. OOOOPS.  My bad, I just finally took her to the doctor because the chesty cough was sounding worse.  This also means that her cute littler personality has been very subdued.  Oh man.  We are so in for it.  LOL.  

Life has been crazy lately.  We have been so busy with just about everything you can think.  I need that.  I love it right now.  Gives me a chance to not focus on the world crashing down around me.  

Here are some newer pictures!

 giving Daddy kisses at Volt Night

 Our pumpkin a year later at Mayne's Tree Farm!

 finger painting for the first time....

YAY Murr and Jason are engaged!!!!

Daddy/Daughter Date ;)

Ahhhh Charli can walk... alone.  BUT WON'T DO IT!  HAHA.  I mean she'll do it... but not often.  But she wants to do nothing but walk holding your hand or pushing something!  If you try to get her to do it alone... she wants to crawl.  So gross out in public!!!!  This kid and her crazy personality LOL.  I adore her!  She is so all over the place!  One day she is the most well behaved 16 month old you'll meet... the next day she is a crazy monkey who insists on testing me with EVERYTHING.  And honestly... it cracks me up!  I am so bad at not smiling or laughing at her when she does something she isn't supposed to!  The little goober will do it... look at me and pull the head down eyes up looking at you innocent look HAHA.  I just can't help it!  She is too stinking cute!  This kid so has me whipped.  But really, she is for the most part very well behaved and listens to you. 

So on Monday night, Charli and Aaron went on their first ever Daddy Daughter Date.  Chik Fil A Sponsored it!!  They had to set up reservations and everything!  I of course am a total cheeseball and took pictures and made them dress up :)  It was cute!

 HAHA, Daddy did my hair! 

my loves!

They said they had a blast!  Daddy let Charli DRINK her ketchup and got it all over her!  Only Daddy!

Aaron said it was her first and last date ever!!!!

Airplane!

So we officially have a walker!  Charli is FINALLY walking!  She can and will do it on her own.... but she much prefers to still hold your hand or push a car/stroller.  It is the cutest thing ever.  I LOVE IT!  I love her.  She is just too much sometimes ;)  The cuteness is overwhelming ;)

We also officially have a first word (besides Mommy and Daddy...)..... ladies and gentleman... she said AIRPLANE!  Of course she did!  This kid will hunt down planes when she can hear them and run (ok crawl fast...) to a window or door if she hears it outside!  It is the cutest thing (sensing a trend...) ever!  She always points and grunts when she hears/sees one.  Well the past couple days she's been making a different sound... as of last night and definitely more today... you can tell she is saying ahh-paan.  Aka AIRPLANE!  She points and says it now.  Whenever she points at something we tell her what it is.  So now she is telling us what it is.  It is amazing.  I love it.  

She is officially a toddler... toddling around everywhere.  I LOVE IT.  I can't help but look at her and smile.  ALL THE TIME.  She is the sunshine on my cloudy days.  Cheeeeeezy I know.  She is the only bright spot in my life right now.  Yes, the ONLY one.  Everything else is a major struggle.  Some aspects of that are being worked on right now.  Hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel.  

I can't wait for the weeks to come with all of the new Charli changes.  She is doing something new just about every day.  I can't keep up with her!  I LOVE IT.  I mean it, I love it.  :)

LET'S GO REDSKINS

I can't resist saying GO REDSKINS!  Hehe.  Since Aaron is a Cowboys fan this is always a special game for us.  Usually he isn't here for it though!  But tonight, he is home.  So I am trash talking some :)

OMG so as for last night with Charli.  OMG.  She went down really easy for how she has been lately.  Within a couple minutes she'd stopped crying and was passed out.  I thought we were golden.  BOY oh BOY was I wrong!  I had finally gotten everything done for MOPS and ready for Monday when it hit about 1230.  Charli woke up.  She started screaming.  I gave her a couple minutes hoping it would pass.  Negative.  I went in and tried to calm her down.  No luck.  Finally I just sat in the recliner with her.  She calmed down and I ended up sitting there for an hour and a half with her.  So now it's about 230ish...  She had just been sitting with me in the recliner in darkness and total quiet.  She wouldn't fall back asleep.  Anytime I mentioned going to sleep she would fuss. So I tried to bring her into my bed with me so we could both sleep.  Epic FAIL.  So about 3 I decided to just put her down and let her cry back to sleep.  Well within 5 minutes, my Dad came flying up and got her.  I was PISSED.  Just let her cry, I get that she's sick and all but she won't sleep. If I had felt she was really NEEDING to be held and wasn't just being manipulative, sure I would have held her all she needed.  But I felt like she was being slightly manipulative.  All she wanted to do was play.  Well my Dad took her and let her play.  Fast forward to 430ish.  I stayed up figuring she would flip out and he wouldn't be able to deal with it... my mom wakes up and is getting ready so Charli starts fussing.  I head downstairs to tend to her.  She is just being a maniac.  So I decide lets eat breakfast.  Having stayed up until that early, I was sure she was hungry.  It was a fight but I got her to eat some.  I figured that might also help her finally go back to sleep.  Finally at about 530 I decide that MOPS isn't going to happen (I was heartbroken) because I was not about to unleash the beast I call Charli on some poor unsuspecting soul when she had only slept a few hours.  I figured I could have handled the not sleeping part to brave the meeting... but not her...  Smart move.  Finally at about 6 I got her to fall asleep with me cuddled in my bed.  Thank You God.  She was in here until about 930.  She had taken over my entire bed practically.  So I decided to try putting her in her bed.  Awesome.  She went back to sleep.  We slept until about 1230.  

I decided she would NOT get a nap during the day to ensure she would sleep at night.  She wasn't too bad today actually.  The most random things would set her off... but she wasn't too fussy.  There was a lot of cuddling with me and eating the soup... which BTW she LOVED the Feel Better Soup!  For breakfast I mixed it with yogurt... yea gross but she ate it.  For lunch I crunched up some Ritz crackers so it was thicker for her to feed herself (it ended up EVERYWHERE).  I managed to keep her up until about 945 tonight and by 10 she was out.  Fingers crossed.  I am not going to jinx myself.  Aaron is home so I'd have some reinforcement... but I don't want to go there.  

Ok now back to the game :)  GO REDSKINS!