Lately life has gotten crazy. Lots of changes and new things coming. Charli started preschool. We started watching Mackenzie. We have talked about trying for another baby. Lots of things. MOPS starts up again soon too. Hopefully we can get into a routine with all of this going on. Not to mention we still have speech therapy (not for too much longer I think) and behavioral therapy (still not sure if I am comfortable with this…. more on this later). We are now to the point where we don’t have chill days at all. We still have to factor in family time with my parents and my in laws. Oh and pick up and drop off Aaron! All that said, I still can’t wait until we have more kids which = even more craziness!
I feel as though I no longer sleep. For some reason, no matter what, I don’t feel even remotely rested. I have taken Tylenol PM, all natural sleep aids, wine (don’t judge me LOL), tried hot showers before bed, lavender… nothing makes me feel rested. Oh, can’t forget just good old trying to sleep without help. I am feeling in a constant serious fog. Like no matter what I do, I can’t get a grip. I can’t think straight. I have become a raging hormonal sleep deprived freak of nature bitch. Yea, I said it. That’s me. As for the raging hormones. NO FREAKING CLUE WHY. So frustrating. I wasn’t even this crazy right after having Charli! Naps haven’t helped either. ARGH. I swear all the other issues going on aren’t being brought on by this… they are not made up….
So, lately I’ve had a lot of questioning about my parenting. No, I don’t do anything crazy or wacky. The big things being questioned: speech therapy, behavioral therapy and putting her into preschool. Apparently as a stay at home mother, I shouldn’t have any issues with Charli and I should be the one schooling her. Well, she was VERY behind in speech. Still is slightly behind. One reason why I wanted to put her into preschool when I found out our church offers a 2 year old class. Another reason for preschool…. she doesn’t get a lot of interaction with other kids without me. I think she needs it. If I am around, she still clings to me unless they are much older kids. So I felt this was a good decision for her. NEVER made the preschool decision to “pawn my child off” or to even get more alone time. The kid takes LONG naps, I got that covered. Behavioral therapy…. apparently because “she never does that for me, she listens to me” are all good reasons for me to NOT be having behavioral issues with her that I can’t seem to get a grip on. Well hello…. weren’t you always good for others and extra bad for your parents. DUH. She is completely different when it is her and I alone. The issues aren’t there so much when Aaron is home or we are with others. The behavior issues got pretty bad. Something I wanted to get a handle on before we brought in an infant to watch and better yet, before we decided to have a second child. I didn’t want to let it get so out of control that once another kid was here, we just didn’t have the time or patience. I by NO MEANS expect any 2 year old to be a perfect angel. She wasn’t listening to me AT ALL. Literally would laugh in my face when I tried to discipline her. Didn’t care if I spanked her, or put her in time out or even took things away. Yelling just got ridiculous because she yelled back and we were seriously having fights that I fully expected… but when she was 16 not 2. Things had finally gotten so bad that I started doing anything and everything I could to prevent major tantrums. I was doing whatever I could to prevent these tantrums that she was hurting herself during. Clearly, seeking help makes me a bad mom. Charli is my first kid. She is only 2. I am still learning and growing as a parent. I bet you could ask my mother, who has a 28 and 23 year old, that she is still learning and growing as a parent. I bet my grandmother would still say the same thing too. I am truly trying to do what is best for Charli. She is my first priority. I feel that once we get it under control…. most everything else will fall into place so to speak. I definitely don’t think being a parent is going to be easy. I don’t think I am going to be perfect at it. But I will strive to do the best that I can, be the best I can. The person who keeps questioning EVERYTHING I do as a mother shouldn’t be. Not by any means. If anyone needs help, it is them. Anger, bitterness and hatred only hurt yourself and those around you. Clearly that’s a nonissue. If you aren’t happy, no one can be happy. It should never be that way. You should always want your family to be happy. I’m not your family… but my family is your family. You should want them to be happy and safe. Always. Remember, I make them happy. I do all I can to keep them happy AND safe. Therefore, I am extremely important.
Behavioral therapy. She told us it would be hardest on me. That the true question was, could I do it. Could I stay strong and hold to the discipline for my child. Then she says that I have failed my daughter as a parent because I have not been able to stay strong with her. Then, says to get over any guilt I have for failing my child. Then, says… by realizing there is an issue, I am doing one of the best things I can as a parent and seeking help. I am so completely confused. Everywhere I turn, my parenting is being questioned. And this, I brought on myself by bringing her into our home. I am seriously struggling with it. She swears we have to have an extremely strict schedule for Charli. Not just same time for naps and bed. But exact same time daily for waking up, eating, naps and bedtime. We tried to explain to her that with our lives, it’s just not possible. Our schedules change weekly depending on when we have to take and pick up Aaron. Also, Charli now has preschool 2 days a week. That changes things. What happened to “never wake a sleeping child”????? I’m sorry, if we don’t have something to do, I am NOT going to wake my child up in the morning for no reason. My kid loves her sleep. If she went to bed at 9 as she does every night, and wakes up at 11 instead of 930…. she CLEARLY needed the sleep for whatever reason it may be. When she went through her growth spurt… she was down at 9pm, up at 10-11am then down for a nap at 1 and up at 4-5. Still down again at 9pm. I will NOT deprive my child of sleep unless we have plans. For us, she goes for a nap and bedtime at the same time everyday. Unless there are certain circumstances like vacation or maybe the occasional longer visit with grandparents. I do not think we are failing her by not waking her up at the same time daily. When we mentioned to our therapist that we weren’t down for a strict schedule like that, she said too bad DO IT. That is not ok with me. You have to be willing to work with our lifestyle as well as us working with you. Don’t just do it all by the book, adjust your learning to each family. Not everyone fits into the same mold. That is where I am having an issue with this therapy. I don’t feel as though she is willing to work with our mold. I understand it is her job to help us and that we brought her into our home. But we would be changing her “strict schedule” at least twice a week. Kinda defeats the purpose of a schedule, eh?! I am just so frustrated and not really in a good place to look at this in a good way. But, I don’t want to pull out of it because I want to help Charli and I. I was told she would find the issue between Charli and I, get to the root of things. I by no means feel that way. AND, since I set up the initial appointment, of course Charli has been really good! HAHA. Joke is on me!
I just need a moment. A break. A getaway. I think our little family needs a nice relaxing getaway alone. We need to be allowed to run our lives ourselves. There are too many people involved in our lives. Involved in our marriage. And I don’t just mean people we talk to about things, but people who feel they have a say in all of anything. I want to be able to be out from under everyone. AHHHHHH.
Clearly I had a lot to say today. Four posts. Geez. And I never even touched on all the crazy new stuff Charli is getting into! I guess I might have to post a fifth to update on Charli HA. Talk about wordy!
