Did you know stress can kill you. Well I am waiting for the lightening strike. I just don't understand a lot of things anymore. Like how did our entire family get to this point. When did we all fall apart. Why am I viewed as the rotten egg when I am just so upset about our family not being the same. All I want is what we used to be. Lately, all I think about is were we really everything I thought we were if we can be where we are now?! Did I really have a great relationship with my family or was it all for show? I always thought it was great. Even with hiccups. Now its like there are craters and valleys and gorges in our family. Things people won't talk about and they dance around or walk on eggshells about. I'm the rotten egg for wanting to get to the bottom of things to make us how we used to be. I was actually told that shit happens when you grow up. No, friendships change... romantic relationships maybe... but NOT family. Family does not just grow apart. They are they ones who are supposed to always be there. To be able to rely on. To not think they are fake and just staying around for what they benefit from it. I just can't handle this. I miss my family. We put on a great show don't we.
Speaking of family. My own personal little family is faltering. All I can ever think about is that new Carrie Underwood/Brad Paisley song "Remind Me". How did we get here too? AHHH. All I can do is keep myself as sane as I can so that I can deal with our child. I want her to stay happy and not really pick up on what's going on. I know she does though.
I am always so tired. I feel like I could curl up and sleep forever. I feel like I am on auto pilot. At least it gets me through the days.
Today I went and spent time with one of my oldest friends. I really needed that. She knows my family personally and she can relate. I had to ask her over and over again if I was just a terrible person to be feeling how I am about my family. She reassured me that it's normal and I am right. I needed that today. I need to stop hiding myself away from the world and get out more. I have friends who are willing to hang out and could use the time out too. When I feel like this, I just withdrawl from the world. It feels better. I don't want to always be so negative and stressed out.
Anyways, enough about that. I swear Charli became a toddler overnight. It happened! All of a sudden her mannerisms and actions are making her look and seem so grown up! It's killing me. Where did my baby go? I want to cry lol. She is so cute and I love watching her grow but OH MAN it's hard!!!
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