Some new pics of the PT Cruiser!

We got......

A NEW CAR!!!!  Aaron's Civic had officially died.  Well we could have spent 4k to revive it... but why pay that for an old car when we could just go buy a new one....  well new to us at least.  We got a 2003 PT Cruiser.  Yea yea.... NOT at all what I expected to ever have.  I was actually ok with not having a second car for the time being.  But still afraid that if we did go to one car we would end up stuck having to buy a car when mine dies.  Well now Aaron is going to be driving my Civic to and from the airport.  Much less wear and tear on her!  It was so weird to transfer stuff from my Civic to the PT Cruiser.  That is the car I got when I was 17.  I've had it almost 11 years.  Will be even harder when we eventually trade that one in (or end up having to junk it...).  So now I'll be sporting around in a PT Cruiser!  Sunroof and everything (which Charli loves!)

I hate this place I am in....

I hate being the one who is constantly complaining and always upset.  Right now, I don't know how to get out of it.  I have lost faith.  I have days where I am ok.  Days where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And then something happens. 

Yesterday was bad.  It's always worse when Charli isn't around.  I am able to let myself go.  Cry.  Be angry.  Do nothing.  Sulk.  When she is around.  I can't do that.  It's not good for her to see and be around. 

Today is better.  Charli is here.  I can't be like this though.  Maybe that is why I don't ever do anything with out her.  That isn't healthy.  AHHHH.  And on top of that, this month Aaron is barely home.  That makes it harder too. 

I need to figure out how to relax.  Chill.  Get through this.  Less stress. 

I don't want to be the depressing person no one wants to be around.  My mom used to call me her sunshine.  People used to love being around me.  Now, no one wants to be around me!

shell.

Does it make sense to say I don't feel like a Mom and homemaker.  We live with my parents.  It's not our home.  It's not our stuff.  It's not our place.  It's hard to be a homemaker or stay at home Mom when it's not your home. 

I want to be able to just one night leave her toys out.  Just run up to give her a bath and get caught up in the fun and forget to clean up her stuff.  I want to be able to just be.  Have fun.  Live.  Not clean up after another family.  I will always clean up after my kids I am sure.  To a point at least.  And of course always after my husband. 

I just feel lost.  I am not happy.  When Charli isn't around or she is sleeping.  The depression walls close in like crazy.  Make me feel claustrophobic.  When she is around... even if she is fussy... she makes me happy.  Her smile can melt away all the stress... just for that moment.  Then it comes crushing down again. 

Two depressing posts in one day.  Awesome, Nicole, Awesome. 

I miss living my life.  I need to get out more.  Be more productive.  Get my ass in shape.  Maybe all of that will make me stop dwelling on what we don't have and be happy for what we do have.

stress is a killer....

Did you know stress can kill you.  Well I am waiting for the lightening strike.  I just don't understand a lot of things anymore.  Like how did our entire family get to this point.  When did we all fall apart.  Why am I viewed as the rotten egg when I am just so upset about our family not being the same.  All I want is what we used to be.  Lately, all I think about is were we really everything I thought we were if we can be where we are now?!  Did I really have a great relationship with my family or was it all for show?  I always thought it was great.  Even with hiccups.  Now its like there are craters and valleys and gorges in our family.  Things people won't talk about and they dance around or walk on eggshells about.  I'm the rotten egg for wanting to get to the bottom of things to make us how we used to be.  I was actually told that shit happens when you grow up.  No, friendships change... romantic relationships maybe... but NOT family.  Family does not just grow apart.  They are they ones who are supposed to always be there.  To be able to rely on.  To not think they are fake and just staying around for what they benefit from it.  I just can't handle this.  I miss my family.  We put on a great show don't we.  

Speaking of family.  My own personal little family is faltering.  All I can ever think about is that new Carrie Underwood/Brad Paisley song "Remind Me".  How did we get here too?  AHHH.  All I can do is keep myself as sane as I can so that I can deal with our child.  I want her to stay happy and not really pick up on what's going on.  I know she does though.  

I am always so tired.  I feel like I could curl up and sleep forever.  I feel like I am on auto pilot.  At least it gets me through the days.  

Today I went and spent time with one of my oldest friends.  I really needed that.  She knows my family personally and she can relate.  I had to ask her over and over again if I was just a terrible person to be feeling how I am about my family.  She reassured me that it's normal and I am right.  I needed that today.  I need to stop hiding myself away from the world and get out more.  I have friends who are willing to hang out and could use the time out too.  When I feel like this, I just withdrawl from the world.  It feels better.  I don't want to always be so negative and stressed out.  

Anyways, enough about that.  I swear Charli became a toddler overnight.  It happened!  All of a sudden her mannerisms and actions are making her look and seem so grown up!  It's killing me.  Where did my baby go?  I want to cry lol.  She is so cute and I love watching her grow but OH MAN it's hard!!!

Time is flying.  

Emotionally drained...

Is is really possible to feel like you are just a shell of a person because you are so emotionally drained?  That is how I feel right now.  I just want to run away.... with Charli.  I couldn't be away from her.  But anything and everything else I could. 

I. AM. JUST. SO. FRUSTRATED.

The past two weeks!!!!

So we finally got back to Maryland yesterday!  We have been gone since the 21st!  It has been crazy!  But thankfully I can say that Charli was an AMAZING traveler!  

On that Thursday we went to Cambridge Springs, PA to visit my childhood BFF.  We haven't seen each other in 9 years.  Since that time, we have both gotten married and she had two kids and I had one.  It was a very special awesome visit!  We got there around dinner and then left the next morning.  Well unfortunately they don't have AC and this was during the East Coast heat wave.  The bedroom we were in was almost 100 degrees that night.  To say the least... Charli wouldn't sleep (we also found out the next day she cut a tooth) and therefore we didn't sleep.  Aaron also didn't sleep because of the heat.  I made him go sleep on the couch in the only room that has a window AC unit.  He wasn't happy with me.  But I am the only one who can handle her when she is like that and one of us had to get sleep and clearly taking care of her meant I wasn't getting sleep.  The next day was special to say the least.  But we did make it to Michigan no problem.  Charli not sleeping that night also meant she slept almost the ENTIRE way to MI.  

We went to visit Papa.  He is in a nursing home type place to transition him back to his house after his surgery.  I didn't realize it was a nursing home.  Did I mention I am PETRIFIED of them.  Scared to death.  Thankfully this place definitely doesn't look like it (or smell like it).  It was gorgeous!  Every different hallway and wing had a totally different theme and was decorated as if it was a 5 star hotel!  Most of the staff was amazing.  I had an issue with a bitchy nurse who didn't want to do her job.  I spoke to someone about her.  Don't mess with my family or treat anyone the way she did.  Anyways.  So we went and visited Papa every day we were in MI.  She was a perfect angel every time we went!  I was amazed.  We even got her to take a few naps there!  I was even able to handle her alone when Aaron ended up leaving for work!  

I was so nervous going into this trip.  Usually Charli can be a difficult kid and doesn't go to anyone else.  She can also be VERY stubborn (like her Dad) and throw temper tantrums (like who knows?!) when she doesn't get her way.  I fully believe she picked up on my anxiety and stress and decided to be the total polar opposite of her normal self.  OK... that makes it sound like she is a terror to live with.  I don't mean it like that.  But she can be very difficult and a situation like we were in could have been a horror story.  I told her every day I was so proud of her and loved her to pieces.  Now normally I tell her I love her about UMMMM 5 million times a day (even when she's screaming her brains out).  On this trip it was probably tripled!  She even cuddled me a lot more than normal.  She is my precious angel!   

So I am glad to report that from the day we got there to the day we left, Papa improved a whole heck of a lot!  We were told it was because Charli and I came.  I would love to believe that.  Every day he just looked better and better and stronger and stronger!  It was still hard to see him in the state he was.  He had a feeding tube a lot and oxygen the whole time.  Not to mention his neck collar he has to wear all the time since his surgery.  To me, Papa has always been so strong and big and tan.  He was so frail looking and pasty white!  It was more stressful than I ever realized it would be!  

There is just too much I want to say in here and type out.  But it's too personal and I think it would hurt more than help.  I feel like it would be therapeutic and maybe a good kick in the ass.  But I'll be good and not put it all out there.  Just please pray for all involved. 

So on another note... as soon as we got home we found out that Aaron's car has crapped out.  Over 4000 dollars in work.  Negative.  We will be a one car family until we find something.  Thankfully we have already found a possibility but are waiting to see if they will be allowed to sell it to us.  Considering we can only afford 150 a month for payments and no down payment... we may just be the luckiest people ever if we get this vehicle.  Fingers crossed.  

Anyways.  I'll leave here with some pictures from the trip.  All in all... even though it was crazy stressful.  It was good.  

 Charli during most of the traveling :)

 Aaron with Abby and Ronnie

 My BFF and her daughter Abby

 Replicating a picture of me with Charli <3

 Charli sleeping through a crazy storm!

 visiting Nana's grave!

 Nana and I and then Charli and I

 Me as a kid, Charli :)

 last day with Papa

 leaving flowers for Nana on our way out of MI

 Papa Nana and I