I have to ask myself this every single day all day long. Why did I feel the need to be back here in MD so badly? I struggle daily in trying to justify why we wanted to come back. We wanted to be close to family and friends who lived here. We wanted to be able to share our children with our family and friends. We wanted to not feel so left out of things back here in MD. What we never planned for was living with my parents for almost 2 years. For having NO way out of this house. We have gone over our finances to a point where our eyes cross. Up and down left and right... trying to figure out every possible way to get out. No matter what way we played it... it wasn't going to happen. If I got a job and had to put Charli into daycare, then we would only be paying for daycare. Because of Aaron's job, its not like we could work days and one nights. It isn't like one of our parents stayed at home and could watch Charli for a discounted amount. Our mothers do work different hours than most people and could possibly watch her in the afternoons. Well with that as the option we could afford... I still wouldn't make enough money to get us out. I would have to make 40K a year AFTER taxes. Unfortunately with my degree (not supplementing it in some way...) that isn't really a possibility. School isn't a possibility because again, we'd need daycare. We have too many student loans. If we didn't pay a grand a month in loans, life would be completely different.... I could only work a part time job and be able to move out. But those loans are what paid for Aaron to go to college... what got him his degree. What got him a job at a commercial airline. Yes, they may pay SHIT (trust me, anything you think about what pilots make... cut it in fourths...TRUST.) but it's a job. Shockingly, his job has been stable. We haven't had any issues with the possibility of him loosing it. In the airline industry in today's time... that is amazing. They are actually expanding... RAPIDLY. He should be upgraded to Captain in no time. And possibly even over to AA instead of AE in no time... that being said... we can't move on until then. Without help. I let my parents know our every little move towards moving out. I try to help them understand why we can't afford it. I try to show to them that I am in fact a grown up and we are being realistic about our finances. That we have chosen the smartest path for our family even if it does keep us here. That if we even attempted to move out, we would sink... we would rack up so much debt it is ridiculous. Why can't they see that this is the grown up responsible thing for us to do. I understand that living with other adults can be stressful and crazy. But wouldn't you do ANYTHING for your kids. Would you have prefered we stayed in Texas. You wouldn't have gotten to see Charli be born... you wouldn't get to see her grow up as much as you do, all the firsts and the cuteness. She wouldn't be so attached to you as she is. Why can't you see that. All you see is you hatred for Aaron and I. You can't even see the damage you have done. The damage that can't be fxed. There is no repair for this magnitude of hurt. I no longer think they love me, I think they put up with us because of an obligation they feel. Can you imagine feeling that way. I can't remember the last time either parent told me they loved me. It's not their fault. If you don't feel it, you don't feel it. I used to think my family was super close. Now I feel like my life was a lie. That I always just imagined us the way we were. I try to sit here and figure out if we did something to bring all of this on. If we are truly that difficult to live with. If we are really this terrible. I can't figure it out. I used to cook all the time for the house (now for some reason no one wants me to...). I am constantly cleaning the house. I try so hard to not take over the house (with a child... that is the hardest thing ever...). I make sure her stuff is cleaned up all throughout the day. I don't want to have her suffer. I just don't know what to do anymore.
We are still impatiently waiting to hear if we got this house or not. Don't worry... all that bitching about money... we have serious help. We still couldn't do it on our own if we wanted.
My MOPS group is my saving grace. I think I would be lost without it. No one really knows whats going on in my life there... but I feel like they would be there in a heartbeat. Just knowing that, helps tremendously.
I try to get through each day by focusing on my amazing daughter. Most days it works. Lately it is getting harder and harder. And she is getting cuter and cuter.
