December is always so crazy!

So this month has just been all up and down.... we only have a couple more days left... which means I think it will end on a good note :)  

Since last post: I smashed Charli's finger in a door.  We had her developmental evaluation.  I sewed my first 3 pairs of pants.  We got approval from both banks on a house.  Waiting on closing.  We had Christmas.  Our 3rd since we moved back from TX.  Charli has started horrible tantrum throwing.  Charli has started wanting most anyone but me unless I am her only option.  

So, Charli's finger.  I felt like I deserved the worst mother of the year award.  I was shutting my mothers door and didn't see that Charli had her hand in the hing area.  I caught her pinky in the door BAD.  I ran her downstairs to Aaron and as soon as I handed her to him I was started to get hysterical as she started to cry.  I then realized she was bleeding and I just lost it.  I was of no use to her.  I couldn't do anything.  I went nuts.  I was sobbing along with her.  As she started crying harder and harder and louder, I got worse too.  I ended up crying up to my mom to come help Aaron.  You would have thought someone died with how I was acting.  My Mom and Aaron kinda just laughed at me and my mom told him to take care of his baby and she would take care of her baby.  I was a mess.  I couldn't believe I had hurt my baby so badly.  How could I have accidentally done anything to her like that.  I was inconsolable.  And then I would get upset because I was so upset and unable to take care of her.  Oh it was a horrible never ending cycle.  I am thankful Aaron and my Mom were there!  She bled and bled and bled but once she stopped bleeding, she was all ok.  She babied it for a couple days but she was fine.  I on the other hand... traumatized for life.  I am so glad she will have no memory of it!  Now to dig deep and figure out how I am going to handle things like that when I'm alone!!!!

Charli still isn't talking.  So we had her developmental scan and she came out way advanced.  Except in talking.  She ended up qualifying for speech therapy through the county.  THankfully the person who will be handling her therapy is a friend from high school.  We start on January 9th.  We started some baby sign to bridge the gap until she is talking... she has picked it up quickly.

Christmas was awesome.  Charli was way more into it than I ever thought she would be at this age.  She was so adorable and crazy and into everything.  It made everything amazing just to watch her opening gifts and getting so excited about everything.  The looks on her face were just priceless.  I truly thought we had at least another year before she would be so excited about it.  It was precious.  Our beautiful baby girl is getting so grown up!

Pure Joy.

 Before Christmas Eve service

 After Christmas Eve service and the pants I made us :)

 She LOVED that pillow pet! 

 My other kid :)  He was clearly excited!

 Love that kid....

 So determined to open things herself and finish it!

She sure loves her Grandpa!

Cutest little elf... even in Cowboys junk!

Pictures...

Let's see if this works.... 

 Going to pick out a tree!

 Charli is gonna cut it down!!

 Loving on her Mimi and PapaDaddy

 cute little munchkin!

Typical Charli face!

 From when we went to visit Aunt Kelly and Uncle Dave!

She was tuckered out!!!!

So much for a non-depressing post....

My kitty died last night.  He was going to be 20 this march.  I know, I know... I should have expected it.  But I didn't.  I am horrible with change and especially death.  He has been with me since I was 8.  He was my baby and my firstborn.  I can remember the day we went and got him.  I can remember him through so many things.  I wasn't even here.  I was at Kelly's.  It kills me that I didn't get to say goodbye and see him alive one more time.  I didn't want to see him before he went to the vet to .... ok I can't even talk about that part.  To me, it was just like seeing someone in their coffin.  I absolutely hate doing it.  It freaks me out and I didn't want to do that for Tiger.  I miss him so much.  I haven't been able to really stop crying since I found out.  I'm a weepy mess.  Apparently he was cuddling with my mother when he stopped breathing.  That makes it a little better as last week he was locked in the basement so that he wouldn't jump on daddy after he had shoulder surgery.  That makes me feel like a terrible person.  But there is no way I could have known he was going to die this weekend.  I miss him.  I stare at his picture and I just want to touch him and curl up with him. 

RIP my beautiful kitty.  Tiger Tigger The Purrbox.... November 12, 2011.  Forever love you!

Ok, I'm going to try to upload pictures again since they wouldn't last time....

Ok apparently not.  it let me upload one picture and no more..... GRRRR.

Snowtober?!

Ech.  I just never want to blog right now... I always feel like it is just going to be all out negative.  I'm trying so hard to get past this.  We never thought we would hit two years living with my parents.  We are definitely going to hit two years.  And we may even be pushing into 2012.  I can tell you now, if we ring in the new year in this house... I will cry all night long.  I need a new beginning.  We all do.  

I was all excited that this house might pull through and we would be able to decorate our own house for Christmas this year.  Sadly, I don't think that is going to happen.  Not one bit.  It makes me want to curl up and cry.  It's not the same not decorating your own house.  Last year a fight happened and I didn't do any decorating.  The first year we were here, things were still good since we'd only been back a couple weeks... The Christmas spirit will not be here in me if we are still here.  I really didn't want my daughter to celebrate her 2nd Christmas in someone else's house.  This house situation has been going on for over a year now.  Who knew that it was such a rough and tough process!  I think we are all beyond frustrated.  We can only hope to remain appreciative to what we do have though.  I am seriously trying to focus on that right now.  Everything is out of our hands so we need to be beyond appreciative.  AHHHH.

So it snowed the weekend of my birthday!  How awesome!  There were still some patches of snow on Halloween :)  HEHE.  Now if only we can have a White Christmas too!  

Ok so I tried to add pics... it won't let me.  I'll try again later.

Why oh Why did we ever leave TX?

I have to ask myself this every single day all day long.  Why did I feel the need to be back here in MD so badly?  I struggle daily in trying to justify why we wanted to come back.  We wanted to be close to family and friends who lived here.  We wanted to be able to share our children with our family and friends.  We wanted to not feel so left out of things back here in MD.  What we never planned for was living with my parents for almost 2 years.  For having NO way out of this house.  We have gone over our finances to a point where our eyes cross.  Up and down left and right... trying to figure out every possible way to get out.  No matter what way we played it... it wasn't going to happen.  If I got a job and had to put Charli into daycare, then we would only be paying for daycare.   Because of Aaron's job, its not like we could work days and one nights.  It isn't like one of our parents stayed at home and could watch Charli for a discounted amount.  Our mothers do work different hours than most people and could possibly watch her in the afternoons.  Well with that as the option we could afford... I still wouldn't make enough money to get us out.  I would have to make 40K a year AFTER taxes.  Unfortunately with my degree (not supplementing it in some way...) that isn't really a possibility.  School isn't a possibility because again, we'd need daycare.  We have too many student loans.  If we didn't pay a grand a month in loans, life would be completely different.... I could only work a part time job and be able to move out.  But those loans are what paid for Aaron to go to college... what got him his degree.  What got him a job at a commercial airline.  Yes, they may pay SHIT (trust me, anything you think about what pilots make... cut it in fourths...TRUST.) but it's a job.  Shockingly, his job has been stable.  We haven't had any issues with the possibility of him loosing it.  In the airline industry in today's time... that is amazing.  They are actually expanding... RAPIDLY.  He should be upgraded to Captain in no time.  And possibly even over to AA instead of AE in no time... that being said... we can't move on until then.  Without help.  I let my parents know our every little move towards moving out.  I try to help them understand why we can't afford it.  I try to show to them that I am in fact a grown up and we are being realistic about our finances.  That we have chosen the smartest path for our family even if it does keep us here.  That if we even attempted to move out, we would sink... we would rack up so much debt it is ridiculous.  Why can't they see that this is the grown up responsible thing for us to do.  I understand that living with other adults can be stressful and crazy.  But wouldn't you do ANYTHING for your kids.  Would you have prefered we stayed in Texas.  You wouldn't have gotten to see Charli be born... you wouldn't get to see her grow up as much as you do, all the firsts and the cuteness.  She wouldn't be so attached to you as she is.  Why can't you see that.  All you see is you hatred for Aaron and I.  You can't even see the damage you have done.  The damage that can't be fxed.  There is no repair for this magnitude of hurt.  I no longer think they love me, I think they put up with us because of an obligation they feel.  Can you imagine feeling that way.  I can't remember the last time either parent told me they loved me.  It's not their fault.  If you don't feel it, you don't feel it.  I used to think my family was super close.  Now I feel like my life was a lie.  That I always just imagined us the way we were.  I try to sit here and figure out if we did something to bring all of this on.  If we are truly that difficult to live with.  If we are really this terrible.  I can't figure it out.  I used to cook all the time for the house (now for some reason no one wants me to...).  I am constantly cleaning the house.  I try so hard to not take over the house (with a child... that is the hardest thing ever...).  I make sure her stuff is cleaned up all throughout the day.  I don't want to have her suffer.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  

We are still impatiently waiting to hear if we got this house or not.  Don't worry... all that bitching about money... we have serious help.  We still couldn't do it on our own if we wanted.  

My MOPS group is my saving grace.  I think I would be lost without it.  No one really knows whats going on in my life there... but I feel like they would be there in a heartbeat.  Just knowing that, helps tremendously.  

I try to get through each day by focusing on my amazing daughter.  Most days it works.  Lately it is getting harder and harder.  And she is getting cuter and cuter.  

And I have tried to talk to them.  But anytime I do... it becomes a fight.  I'm a deadbeat or my husband is lazy.  Which is so far from the truth.  Do they not realize what they are doing.  They are burning a bridge with their daughter. 

Oh the changes!

Sorry I am so scattered with the updates!  Life is just too much for me sometimes lately.  I think my anxiety attacks are back FULL FORCE.  Bad.  Very bad.  

So Charli is now fully walking all by herself.  EVERYWHERE.  She wanders around the house haha.  She paces back and forth as if she is practicing her walking.  It is the cutest thing ever.  She is also blowing kisses, giving kisses, clapping and giving hugs.  It is so precious.  Her little personality is just too much :)  Everyday it is something new and cuter.  It also turns out that for the past month she has had a sinus infection. OOOOPS.  My bad, I just finally took her to the doctor because the chesty cough was sounding worse.  This also means that her cute littler personality has been very subdued.  Oh man.  We are so in for it.  LOL.  

Life has been crazy lately.  We have been so busy with just about everything you can think.  I need that.  I love it right now.  Gives me a chance to not focus on the world crashing down around me.  

Here are some newer pictures!

 giving Daddy kisses at Volt Night

 Our pumpkin a year later at Mayne's Tree Farm!

 finger painting for the first time....

YAY Murr and Jason are engaged!!!!

Daddy/Daughter Date ;)

Ahhhh Charli can walk... alone.  BUT WON'T DO IT!  HAHA.  I mean she'll do it... but not often.  But she wants to do nothing but walk holding your hand or pushing something!  If you try to get her to do it alone... she wants to crawl.  So gross out in public!!!!  This kid and her crazy personality LOL.  I adore her!  She is so all over the place!  One day she is the most well behaved 16 month old you'll meet... the next day she is a crazy monkey who insists on testing me with EVERYTHING.  And honestly... it cracks me up!  I am so bad at not smiling or laughing at her when she does something she isn't supposed to!  The little goober will do it... look at me and pull the head down eyes up looking at you innocent look HAHA.  I just can't help it!  She is too stinking cute!  This kid so has me whipped.  But really, she is for the most part very well behaved and listens to you. 

So on Monday night, Charli and Aaron went on their first ever Daddy Daughter Date.  Chik Fil A Sponsored it!!  They had to set up reservations and everything!  I of course am a total cheeseball and took pictures and made them dress up :)  It was cute!

 HAHA, Daddy did my hair! 

my loves!

They said they had a blast!  Daddy let Charli DRINK her ketchup and got it all over her!  Only Daddy!

Aaron said it was her first and last date ever!!!!

Airplane!

So we officially have a walker!  Charli is FINALLY walking!  She can and will do it on her own.... but she much prefers to still hold your hand or push a car/stroller.  It is the cutest thing ever.  I LOVE IT!  I love her.  She is just too much sometimes ;)  The cuteness is overwhelming ;)

We also officially have a first word (besides Mommy and Daddy...)..... ladies and gentleman... she said AIRPLANE!  Of course she did!  This kid will hunt down planes when she can hear them and run (ok crawl fast...) to a window or door if she hears it outside!  It is the cutest thing (sensing a trend...) ever!  She always points and grunts when she hears/sees one.  Well the past couple days she's been making a different sound... as of last night and definitely more today... you can tell she is saying ahh-paan.  Aka AIRPLANE!  She points and says it now.  Whenever she points at something we tell her what it is.  So now she is telling us what it is.  It is amazing.  I love it.  

She is officially a toddler... toddling around everywhere.  I LOVE IT.  I can't help but look at her and smile.  ALL THE TIME.  She is the sunshine on my cloudy days.  Cheeeeeezy I know.  She is the only bright spot in my life right now.  Yes, the ONLY one.  Everything else is a major struggle.  Some aspects of that are being worked on right now.  Hopefully there is light at the end of the tunnel.  

I can't wait for the weeks to come with all of the new Charli changes.  She is doing something new just about every day.  I can't keep up with her!  I LOVE IT.  I mean it, I love it.  :)

LET'S GO REDSKINS

I can't resist saying GO REDSKINS!  Hehe.  Since Aaron is a Cowboys fan this is always a special game for us.  Usually he isn't here for it though!  But tonight, he is home.  So I am trash talking some :)

OMG so as for last night with Charli.  OMG.  She went down really easy for how she has been lately.  Within a couple minutes she'd stopped crying and was passed out.  I thought we were golden.  BOY oh BOY was I wrong!  I had finally gotten everything done for MOPS and ready for Monday when it hit about 1230.  Charli woke up.  She started screaming.  I gave her a couple minutes hoping it would pass.  Negative.  I went in and tried to calm her down.  No luck.  Finally I just sat in the recliner with her.  She calmed down and I ended up sitting there for an hour and a half with her.  So now it's about 230ish...  She had just been sitting with me in the recliner in darkness and total quiet.  She wouldn't fall back asleep.  Anytime I mentioned going to sleep she would fuss. So I tried to bring her into my bed with me so we could both sleep.  Epic FAIL.  So about 3 I decided to just put her down and let her cry back to sleep.  Well within 5 minutes, my Dad came flying up and got her.  I was PISSED.  Just let her cry, I get that she's sick and all but she won't sleep. If I had felt she was really NEEDING to be held and wasn't just being manipulative, sure I would have held her all she needed.  But I felt like she was being slightly manipulative.  All she wanted to do was play.  Well my Dad took her and let her play.  Fast forward to 430ish.  I stayed up figuring she would flip out and he wouldn't be able to deal with it... my mom wakes up and is getting ready so Charli starts fussing.  I head downstairs to tend to her.  She is just being a maniac.  So I decide lets eat breakfast.  Having stayed up until that early, I was sure she was hungry.  It was a fight but I got her to eat some.  I figured that might also help her finally go back to sleep.  Finally at about 530 I decide that MOPS isn't going to happen (I was heartbroken) because I was not about to unleash the beast I call Charli on some poor unsuspecting soul when she had only slept a few hours.  I figured I could have handled the not sleeping part to brave the meeting... but not her...  Smart move.  Finally at about 6 I got her to fall asleep with me cuddled in my bed.  Thank You God.  She was in here until about 930.  She had taken over my entire bed practically.  So I decided to try putting her in her bed.  Awesome.  She went back to sleep.  We slept until about 1230.  

I decided she would NOT get a nap during the day to ensure she would sleep at night.  She wasn't too bad today actually.  The most random things would set her off... but she wasn't too fussy.  There was a lot of cuddling with me and eating the soup... which BTW she LOVED the Feel Better Soup!  For breakfast I mixed it with yogurt... yea gross but she ate it.  For lunch I crunched up some Ritz crackers so it was thicker for her to feed herself (it ended up EVERYWHERE).  I managed to keep her up until about 945 tonight and by 10 she was out.  Fingers crossed.  I am not going to jinx myself.  Aaron is home so I'd have some reinforcement... but I don't want to go there.  

Ok now back to the game :)  GO REDSKINS!

Feel Better Soup....

So desperation has set in.  I am over Charli being so congested and not being able to help her.  I have done all the tricks I am allowed to do since she is so young.  Humidifier, saline spray (don't get me started...), sleeping upright.... everything.  So today we bought her some tea and she loved it.  I also decided to research some natural ways to help her out.  I found this recipe: http://www.food.com/recipe/vegan-blended-veggie-get-better-soup-252493  The reviews of it aren't bad.  So I decided since we were going grocery shopping today, I'd try it out.  I was realllllllly leary of it for myself.  It has a bunch of things that I don't eat.  

Here we go.... 

 It's really just a ton of veggies all mixed together....

 I added half chicken stock and half water instead of all water....

 I also used a sweet potato instead of a baking potato (it's what we had and I figured it was more nutritious)

 I let it boil awhile and then simmered for 40 minutes.... All done and about to blend it now :)

 It looks DISGUSTING.....

Almost done blending it...

It was surprisingly really very good!  I drank an entire bowl of it.... I say drank because I ate it so fast HAHA. 

Now to see if Charli will eat it come tomorrow.... I'll update and let you know.  

Also making this tomorrow morning for MOPS: http://www.food.com/recipe/breakfast-casserole-with-a-biscuit-crust-132311  I CAN'T WAIT

Loser....

Sometimes I just feel like such a loser.  I mean seriously... we still live with my parents.  It's getting hard to justify that we just couldn't afford to live on our own here right now.  Once Aaron gets upgraded... it is a no brainer.  I wish I would have been able to find a job where we could afford to move out AND put Charli in daycare.... only to get us out of here.  I love not having to put her in daycare and I love being able to stay at home with her.  Most people who find out we live with my parents understand.... its my parents who are making me feel like a loser.  I mean seriously... A LOT of people right now have to live with their parents.  Its not like we are the only ones.  We did not anticipate being here this long.  I would have NEVER thought things would feel the way they do from living with them.  Love ends.  That's how I feel.  It is no longer unconditional.  Its a day to day basis kind of thing.  It is so hard.  I am so over it.  All I want to do is pack up and run away.  Take my Charli bug and run far far far away.  Throw all respect and feelings to the wind.  I don't care whose feelings I would hurt by moving somewhere we could afford.... my heart, soul and marriage are seriously suffering by staying here.  I do everything I can to make sure my child is not suffering.  I do what I can to keep her from really understanding how bad its gotten.  I just don't know what to do!


Ahh so on a totally different note.  I'll be trying a new recipe on Monday morning for MOPS.  http://www.food.com/recipe/breakfast-casserole-with-a-biscuit-crust-132311 I'll let you know how it is.  I can't wait!  I can't wait just for the meeting too.  I am so needing a group like this.  Maybe more than I realized.  AHHHHH. 

I keep saying it... but I hate being this sad depressed negative person.  I want to get out of this funk!

I miss a lot of things...

First off, I miss cooking!  It's not so fun to do it when it's not your house and your stuff and all that.  I made this amazing awesomely good cauliflower tonight...   

http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/balsamic_parmesan_roasted_cauliflower.html  This is the link for it!  I ended up having to sub apple cider vinegar instead of balsalmic because we didn't have any... But it was AHHHHH-MAZING.  I wanted to make more and eat it all day and all night.  Charli loved it too... It was gone before I even turned back around!!!!  

I tried to make her zucchini fries today.  Didn't work out too well.  While I wanted them to kinda dry out and be crispy... they stayed super soggy.  This is what I did:

Cut up one zucchini into strips the length you want.

Toss them in a bowl with a little EVOO and spices of your taste (I did parmesean herb)

I then steamed them for a little bit to cook them and then put them in the oven for about 10-15 mins.  I guess I should have just put them into the oven to begin with and maybe that would have worked better.  

Charli wouldn't eat them for some reason.  I loved them.  I have a whole other zucchini to try again with tomorrow so hopefully this works!  

Tonight was my 3rd camera class.  Next week is the last one!  I am not looking forward to it ending!  I am enjoying learning all I can about it.  I have a shopping list of things I would like for my camera haha.  POOOOR hubby!  He will lay down the law and say NO.  HAHA.  It will be my wish list.  Thankfully my teacher has told us a couple ways to get around all the bells and whistle extra parts until we can get them!  YAY.  

So on another note... I have been hardcore blog-stalking.  I am taking in all these DIY projects for decorating and refinishing and stuff like that.  I can't wait until we get our house and we can do stuff like that.  (Among other things).  I joined Pinterest yesterday.  I was hoping I would be able to find things and then blog-stalk... or learn how to do them.  I am so confused with the website HAHA.  

Ok, well I am going to try to focus this blog more on DIY and happy things.  I am SICK of being so depressed all the time.  It's kicking my rear end.  Besides, I joined MOPS at church and already after one meeting I am feeling more like a woman and happier.  I cried though during the meeting because of a song they played.  I kinda realized at that moment that my life was getting to the point where I could literally cry at the drop of a hat.... I need to change that.  I am sick of crying.  

Anywho... here are some super cute pics!!!!

 When did she grow up????

 Gosh, she is getting so big!

LOVE the crackle!!!!!

I have a super cute kid.....

I adore my daughter.... I can't wait to give her siblings :)  Ok, I can wait a little bit... just barely.  She is so cute.  I LOVE watching her grow and learn and change.  Every day she amazes me more.  

This Labor Day we drove down to Catawba, VA for the Webb reunion.... things are always "more fun"/ special when we go away.  Charli gets special foods she isn't normally allowed to have and gets to be messy :)  She loves it!

 Eating breakfast, fruit loops, on the bed.....

 Literally... ON THE BED!

How big does she look here!!!!  AHHHHH.  She is cuteness!

I used some techniques this weekend that I learned in my camera class!  Tomorrow is my second class.  Two more after it!  I am so excited!  

This Sunday is 9/11.  The ten year anniversary.  To say I am anxious and already worried is an understatement.  My husband is a pilot.  He will be in NYC on that day.  It freaks me out to no end.  I truly know that more than likely, NYC is probably going to be the SAFEST place to be that day... but still.  AHHH.  

We still haven't heard from the bank on the house yet.  HURRY UP!  We need our sanity back.  Our marriage has taken enough of a hit.  Almost 2 years.  I am crying daily.  I have muscle spasms.  My jaw has taken to locking up from the stress.  I can't think straight.  We think we can feel one of my bulging discs protruding more.  I have started to scream at Charli when I get too stressed.  I am thisclose to losing my mind.  I think my family is beyond repair.  One can only take so many shots to the heart before they die....  I've flatlined and come back to life too many times.  Even though we'll only be 15 minutes away.  I don't think I'll be able to have anything to do with my family for a long time after we move out.  That is NOT to say we don't appreciate the roof over our head and the food in our bellys.  But family is supposed to be more than just doing what you think is right.  You are supposed to love and cherish them.  It sucks when love is one sided.  While we were gone my Mom locked the cat in the basement utility room just because she was annoyed with him.  She is just waiting for him to die and wishes it would happen soon.  She is sick of taking care of him.  Well that's how I feel she treats me.  Like she is just putting up with us being here because she feels she has to.  Not because she loves me and wants to.  Really hard to stomach that when we used to be so close.  I of course am a glutton for punishment and still try over and over again to have the relationship we used to.  Only to be shot down and have my heart broken again.  I can't keep doing this.  I no longer want my family back to how we used to be.  I no longer believe it was real.  I think it was fake.  It sucks.  

I promise to NEVER let this happen to my little family.  I promise to always love and cherish my children.  NO MATTER the situation. 

Still unsure of where I stand....

I am going to do my best to NOT make this a "woe is me" post.  I am so sick of being like that.  But I did have a thought the other day about this... people always talk about pity parties.  I for real want to have one.  When I am unhappy and depressed I pull away from everyone because I don't want to be that person that just complains and cries all the time.  Mom's get together in Mommy groups all the time... so I think we should start a PITY PARTY get together LOL.  It would be the place to go and bitch about EVERYTHING.  But make it like "what happens in pity party stays in pity party"  LOL.  You get to just let go and have everyone be fully understanding and listening to you for a certain amount of time... say 15 minutes and then it moves on to the next person.  I bet it would be disgustingly therapeutic!  It would be just like going to see a shrink but its really your friends.  I mean who really knows what all is going on with their friends?  The things that scare them in their lives, marriage and parenting.  The things that are just going wrong and making them crazy.  Even if they feel its trivial and juvenile this would be a place to just put it out there.  No judging and no assumptions.  Just letting go.  

Just saying that made me feel better.  But things aren't better.  In fact, I think they are worse.  I feel used, abused and drained.  I don't mean abused literally.  I am just so unhappy.  I feel like by mo ving home  and having a baby, I ruined my marriage.  I am the one who made my husband so stressed out he can't even stand to be home.  By that I mean moving home is what stressed him out because of our living situation which was just made that much worse by adding a child to the mix.  As much as I want to just lay it all out here on this blog, I can't.  Out of respect for my husband and my marriage.  Just pray for us please.  I do ask that much.  We need it.  

So this past Thursday I started my camera class at FCC.  Just in the first class I learned a lot about it!  I'm already figuring out some things I was curious about!  So far I feel the money was well spent!  I am so excited to finish up this class and really get to work on using my camera!!!

Monday we are going to Aaron's family reunion down in Catawba, VA.  I am excited.  Last year it's were I met a lot of his family for the first time.  Something I never thought would happen especially if we had stayed in TX.  Because we are going, I am missing out on saying goodbye to my Grandma's house.  They are all up there this weekend cleaning it out and getting ready to sell it.  I can't even imagine what that is like for my aunts and uncle considering the house has been in their lives since they were very young.  It is killing me to not be there but I really wanted to go down to VA for Aaron's reunion.  My parents are bringing us back a ton of furniture from the house so I can keep it in the family and the memories.  

So keeping with the being all over the placeness with this blog.... now for Charli updates.  She is starting to walk.  She will stand up all the time on her own with no support and she will take a couple steps between people.  Just tonight she started to take some steps towards other things besides people.  It is quite exciting.  The first night she did it, I was crying so hard HAHA.  She would get up, walk and go to my mom and I would shriek and cry.  Freaked her out HAHA.  My bad.  EVERY time she did it I did the same shrieking and crying!  I was so excited.  She has also been pretty cuddly and wanting to always sit on my lap lately.  I LOVE IT.  Sometime about 2 weeks ago I swear the kid woke up and decided she is in love with books.  Before, we couldn't even get her to sit still for a book or even look at one.  Now it is all she seems to want anything to do with.  It is so cute.  She will bring you a book and if you hand it back to her or are busy, she cries until you read it to her.  I love that she seems so interested.  She is also pointing and grunting at everything until you tell her what it is.  I have been telling her what everything is and giving her stories or definitions of things.  For example, today we had a terrible customer service issue at Walmart... well I took it as the perfect opportunity to explain to my ONE YEAR OLD why it was bad customer service and how it was just flat out rude.  She seemed to be hanging on my every word.. BAHAHA.  Oh well.  

Anyways, this is the most scatterbrained post EVER.  And it's late and we have church in the morning.  I am enjoying this church so far. 

.............

That is exactly how I feel right now.

SO.LOST.

I gave a semi ultimatum today.  Let's see how that goes. 

Some new pics of the PT Cruiser!

We got......

A NEW CAR!!!!  Aaron's Civic had officially died.  Well we could have spent 4k to revive it... but why pay that for an old car when we could just go buy a new one....  well new to us at least.  We got a 2003 PT Cruiser.  Yea yea.... NOT at all what I expected to ever have.  I was actually ok with not having a second car for the time being.  But still afraid that if we did go to one car we would end up stuck having to buy a car when mine dies.  Well now Aaron is going to be driving my Civic to and from the airport.  Much less wear and tear on her!  It was so weird to transfer stuff from my Civic to the PT Cruiser.  That is the car I got when I was 17.  I've had it almost 11 years.  Will be even harder when we eventually trade that one in (or end up having to junk it...).  So now I'll be sporting around in a PT Cruiser!  Sunroof and everything (which Charli loves!)

I hate this place I am in....

I hate being the one who is constantly complaining and always upset.  Right now, I don't know how to get out of it.  I have lost faith.  I have days where I am ok.  Days where I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And then something happens. 

Yesterday was bad.  It's always worse when Charli isn't around.  I am able to let myself go.  Cry.  Be angry.  Do nothing.  Sulk.  When she is around.  I can't do that.  It's not good for her to see and be around. 

Today is better.  Charli is here.  I can't be like this though.  Maybe that is why I don't ever do anything with out her.  That isn't healthy.  AHHHH.  And on top of that, this month Aaron is barely home.  That makes it harder too. 

I need to figure out how to relax.  Chill.  Get through this.  Less stress. 

I don't want to be the depressing person no one wants to be around.  My mom used to call me her sunshine.  People used to love being around me.  Now, no one wants to be around me!

shell.

Does it make sense to say I don't feel like a Mom and homemaker.  We live with my parents.  It's not our home.  It's not our stuff.  It's not our place.  It's hard to be a homemaker or stay at home Mom when it's not your home. 

I want to be able to just one night leave her toys out.  Just run up to give her a bath and get caught up in the fun and forget to clean up her stuff.  I want to be able to just be.  Have fun.  Live.  Not clean up after another family.  I will always clean up after my kids I am sure.  To a point at least.  And of course always after my husband. 

I just feel lost.  I am not happy.  When Charli isn't around or she is sleeping.  The depression walls close in like crazy.  Make me feel claustrophobic.  When she is around... even if she is fussy... she makes me happy.  Her smile can melt away all the stress... just for that moment.  Then it comes crushing down again. 

Two depressing posts in one day.  Awesome, Nicole, Awesome. 

I miss living my life.  I need to get out more.  Be more productive.  Get my ass in shape.  Maybe all of that will make me stop dwelling on what we don't have and be happy for what we do have.

stress is a killer....

Did you know stress can kill you.  Well I am waiting for the lightening strike.  I just don't understand a lot of things anymore.  Like how did our entire family get to this point.  When did we all fall apart.  Why am I viewed as the rotten egg when I am just so upset about our family not being the same.  All I want is what we used to be.  Lately, all I think about is were we really everything I thought we were if we can be where we are now?!  Did I really have a great relationship with my family or was it all for show?  I always thought it was great.  Even with hiccups.  Now its like there are craters and valleys and gorges in our family.  Things people won't talk about and they dance around or walk on eggshells about.  I'm the rotten egg for wanting to get to the bottom of things to make us how we used to be.  I was actually told that shit happens when you grow up.  No, friendships change... romantic relationships maybe... but NOT family.  Family does not just grow apart.  They are they ones who are supposed to always be there.  To be able to rely on.  To not think they are fake and just staying around for what they benefit from it.  I just can't handle this.  I miss my family.  We put on a great show don't we.  

Speaking of family.  My own personal little family is faltering.  All I can ever think about is that new Carrie Underwood/Brad Paisley song "Remind Me".  How did we get here too?  AHHH.  All I can do is keep myself as sane as I can so that I can deal with our child.  I want her to stay happy and not really pick up on what's going on.  I know she does though.  

I am always so tired.  I feel like I could curl up and sleep forever.  I feel like I am on auto pilot.  At least it gets me through the days.  

Today I went and spent time with one of my oldest friends.  I really needed that.  She knows my family personally and she can relate.  I had to ask her over and over again if I was just a terrible person to be feeling how I am about my family.  She reassured me that it's normal and I am right.  I needed that today.  I need to stop hiding myself away from the world and get out more.  I have friends who are willing to hang out and could use the time out too.  When I feel like this, I just withdrawl from the world.  It feels better.  I don't want to always be so negative and stressed out.  

Anyways, enough about that.  I swear Charli became a toddler overnight.  It happened!  All of a sudden her mannerisms and actions are making her look and seem so grown up!  It's killing me.  Where did my baby go?  I want to cry lol.  She is so cute and I love watching her grow but OH MAN it's hard!!!

Time is flying.  

Emotionally drained...

Is is really possible to feel like you are just a shell of a person because you are so emotionally drained?  That is how I feel right now.  I just want to run away.... with Charli.  I couldn't be away from her.  But anything and everything else I could. 

I. AM. JUST. SO. FRUSTRATED.

The past two weeks!!!!

So we finally got back to Maryland yesterday!  We have been gone since the 21st!  It has been crazy!  But thankfully I can say that Charli was an AMAZING traveler!  

On that Thursday we went to Cambridge Springs, PA to visit my childhood BFF.  We haven't seen each other in 9 years.  Since that time, we have both gotten married and she had two kids and I had one.  It was a very special awesome visit!  We got there around dinner and then left the next morning.  Well unfortunately they don't have AC and this was during the East Coast heat wave.  The bedroom we were in was almost 100 degrees that night.  To say the least... Charli wouldn't sleep (we also found out the next day she cut a tooth) and therefore we didn't sleep.  Aaron also didn't sleep because of the heat.  I made him go sleep on the couch in the only room that has a window AC unit.  He wasn't happy with me.  But I am the only one who can handle her when she is like that and one of us had to get sleep and clearly taking care of her meant I wasn't getting sleep.  The next day was special to say the least.  But we did make it to Michigan no problem.  Charli not sleeping that night also meant she slept almost the ENTIRE way to MI.  

We went to visit Papa.  He is in a nursing home type place to transition him back to his house after his surgery.  I didn't realize it was a nursing home.  Did I mention I am PETRIFIED of them.  Scared to death.  Thankfully this place definitely doesn't look like it (or smell like it).  It was gorgeous!  Every different hallway and wing had a totally different theme and was decorated as if it was a 5 star hotel!  Most of the staff was amazing.  I had an issue with a bitchy nurse who didn't want to do her job.  I spoke to someone about her.  Don't mess with my family or treat anyone the way she did.  Anyways.  So we went and visited Papa every day we were in MI.  She was a perfect angel every time we went!  I was amazed.  We even got her to take a few naps there!  I was even able to handle her alone when Aaron ended up leaving for work!  

I was so nervous going into this trip.  Usually Charli can be a difficult kid and doesn't go to anyone else.  She can also be VERY stubborn (like her Dad) and throw temper tantrums (like who knows?!) when she doesn't get her way.  I fully believe she picked up on my anxiety and stress and decided to be the total polar opposite of her normal self.  OK... that makes it sound like she is a terror to live with.  I don't mean it like that.  But she can be very difficult and a situation like we were in could have been a horror story.  I told her every day I was so proud of her and loved her to pieces.  Now normally I tell her I love her about UMMMM 5 million times a day (even when she's screaming her brains out).  On this trip it was probably tripled!  She even cuddled me a lot more than normal.  She is my precious angel!   

So I am glad to report that from the day we got there to the day we left, Papa improved a whole heck of a lot!  We were told it was because Charli and I came.  I would love to believe that.  Every day he just looked better and better and stronger and stronger!  It was still hard to see him in the state he was.  He had a feeding tube a lot and oxygen the whole time.  Not to mention his neck collar he has to wear all the time since his surgery.  To me, Papa has always been so strong and big and tan.  He was so frail looking and pasty white!  It was more stressful than I ever realized it would be!  

There is just too much I want to say in here and type out.  But it's too personal and I think it would hurt more than help.  I feel like it would be therapeutic and maybe a good kick in the ass.  But I'll be good and not put it all out there.  Just please pray for all involved. 

So on another note... as soon as we got home we found out that Aaron's car has crapped out.  Over 4000 dollars in work.  Negative.  We will be a one car family until we find something.  Thankfully we have already found a possibility but are waiting to see if they will be allowed to sell it to us.  Considering we can only afford 150 a month for payments and no down payment... we may just be the luckiest people ever if we get this vehicle.  Fingers crossed.  

Anyways.  I'll leave here with some pictures from the trip.  All in all... even though it was crazy stressful.  It was good.  

 Charli during most of the traveling :)

 Aaron with Abby and Ronnie

 My BFF and her daughter Abby

 Replicating a picture of me with Charli <3

 Charli sleeping through a crazy storm!

 visiting Nana's grave!

 Nana and I and then Charli and I

 Me as a kid, Charli :)

 last day with Papa

 leaving flowers for Nana on our way out of MI

 Papa Nana and I