LET'S GO REDSKINS

I can't resist saying GO REDSKINS!  Hehe.  Since Aaron is a Cowboys fan this is always a special game for us.  Usually he isn't here for it though!  But tonight, he is home.  So I am trash talking some :)

OMG so as for last night with Charli.  OMG.  She went down really easy for how she has been lately.  Within a couple minutes she'd stopped crying and was passed out.  I thought we were golden.  BOY oh BOY was I wrong!  I had finally gotten everything done for MOPS and ready for Monday when it hit about 1230.  Charli woke up.  She started screaming.  I gave her a couple minutes hoping it would pass.  Negative.  I went in and tried to calm her down.  No luck.  Finally I just sat in the recliner with her.  She calmed down and I ended up sitting there for an hour and a half with her.  So now it's about 230ish...  She had just been sitting with me in the recliner in darkness and total quiet.  She wouldn't fall back asleep.  Anytime I mentioned going to sleep she would fuss. So I tried to bring her into my bed with me so we could both sleep.  Epic FAIL.  So about 3 I decided to just put her down and let her cry back to sleep.  Well within 5 minutes, my Dad came flying up and got her.  I was PISSED.  Just let her cry, I get that she's sick and all but she won't sleep. If I had felt she was really NEEDING to be held and wasn't just being manipulative, sure I would have held her all she needed.  But I felt like she was being slightly manipulative.  All she wanted to do was play.  Well my Dad took her and let her play.  Fast forward to 430ish.  I stayed up figuring she would flip out and he wouldn't be able to deal with it... my mom wakes up and is getting ready so Charli starts fussing.  I head downstairs to tend to her.  She is just being a maniac.  So I decide lets eat breakfast.  Having stayed up until that early, I was sure she was hungry.  It was a fight but I got her to eat some.  I figured that might also help her finally go back to sleep.  Finally at about 530 I decide that MOPS isn't going to happen (I was heartbroken) because I was not about to unleash the beast I call Charli on some poor unsuspecting soul when she had only slept a few hours.  I figured I could have handled the not sleeping part to brave the meeting... but not her...  Smart move.  Finally at about 6 I got her to fall asleep with me cuddled in my bed.  Thank You God.  She was in here until about 930.  She had taken over my entire bed practically.  So I decided to try putting her in her bed.  Awesome.  She went back to sleep.  We slept until about 1230.  

I decided she would NOT get a nap during the day to ensure she would sleep at night.  She wasn't too bad today actually.  The most random things would set her off... but she wasn't too fussy.  There was a lot of cuddling with me and eating the soup... which BTW she LOVED the Feel Better Soup!  For breakfast I mixed it with yogurt... yea gross but she ate it.  For lunch I crunched up some Ritz crackers so it was thicker for her to feed herself (it ended up EVERYWHERE).  I managed to keep her up until about 945 tonight and by 10 she was out.  Fingers crossed.  I am not going to jinx myself.  Aaron is home so I'd have some reinforcement... but I don't want to go there.  

Ok now back to the game :)  GO REDSKINS!

Feel Better Soup....

So desperation has set in.  I am over Charli being so congested and not being able to help her.  I have done all the tricks I am allowed to do since she is so young.  Humidifier, saline spray (don't get me started...), sleeping upright.... everything.  So today we bought her some tea and she loved it.  I also decided to research some natural ways to help her out.  I found this recipe: http://www.food.com/recipe/vegan-blended-veggie-get-better-soup-252493  The reviews of it aren't bad.  So I decided since we were going grocery shopping today, I'd try it out.  I was realllllllly leary of it for myself.  It has a bunch of things that I don't eat.  

Here we go.... 

 It's really just a ton of veggies all mixed together....

 I added half chicken stock and half water instead of all water....

 I also used a sweet potato instead of a baking potato (it's what we had and I figured it was more nutritious)

 I let it boil awhile and then simmered for 40 minutes.... All done and about to blend it now :)

 It looks DISGUSTING.....

Almost done blending it...

It was surprisingly really very good!  I drank an entire bowl of it.... I say drank because I ate it so fast HAHA. 

Now to see if Charli will eat it come tomorrow.... I'll update and let you know.  

Also making this tomorrow morning for MOPS: http://www.food.com/recipe/breakfast-casserole-with-a-biscuit-crust-132311  I CAN'T WAIT

Loser....

Sometimes I just feel like such a loser.  I mean seriously... we still live with my parents.  It's getting hard to justify that we just couldn't afford to live on our own here right now.  Once Aaron gets upgraded... it is a no brainer.  I wish I would have been able to find a job where we could afford to move out AND put Charli in daycare.... only to get us out of here.  I love not having to put her in daycare and I love being able to stay at home with her.  Most people who find out we live with my parents understand.... its my parents who are making me feel like a loser.  I mean seriously... A LOT of people right now have to live with their parents.  Its not like we are the only ones.  We did not anticipate being here this long.  I would have NEVER thought things would feel the way they do from living with them.  Love ends.  That's how I feel.  It is no longer unconditional.  Its a day to day basis kind of thing.  It is so hard.  I am so over it.  All I want to do is pack up and run away.  Take my Charli bug and run far far far away.  Throw all respect and feelings to the wind.  I don't care whose feelings I would hurt by moving somewhere we could afford.... my heart, soul and marriage are seriously suffering by staying here.  I do everything I can to make sure my child is not suffering.  I do what I can to keep her from really understanding how bad its gotten.  I just don't know what to do!


Ahh so on a totally different note.  I'll be trying a new recipe on Monday morning for MOPS.  http://www.food.com/recipe/breakfast-casserole-with-a-biscuit-crust-132311 I'll let you know how it is.  I can't wait!  I can't wait just for the meeting too.  I am so needing a group like this.  Maybe more than I realized.  AHHHHH. 

I keep saying it... but I hate being this sad depressed negative person.  I want to get out of this funk!

I miss a lot of things...

First off, I miss cooking!  It's not so fun to do it when it's not your house and your stuff and all that.  I made this amazing awesomely good cauliflower tonight...   

http://www.eatingwell.com/recipes/balsamic_parmesan_roasted_cauliflower.html  This is the link for it!  I ended up having to sub apple cider vinegar instead of balsalmic because we didn't have any... But it was AHHHHH-MAZING.  I wanted to make more and eat it all day and all night.  Charli loved it too... It was gone before I even turned back around!!!!  

I tried to make her zucchini fries today.  Didn't work out too well.  While I wanted them to kinda dry out and be crispy... they stayed super soggy.  This is what I did:

Cut up one zucchini into strips the length you want.

Toss them in a bowl with a little EVOO and spices of your taste (I did parmesean herb)

I then steamed them for a little bit to cook them and then put them in the oven for about 10-15 mins.  I guess I should have just put them into the oven to begin with and maybe that would have worked better.  

Charli wouldn't eat them for some reason.  I loved them.  I have a whole other zucchini to try again with tomorrow so hopefully this works!  

Tonight was my 3rd camera class.  Next week is the last one!  I am not looking forward to it ending!  I am enjoying learning all I can about it.  I have a shopping list of things I would like for my camera haha.  POOOOR hubby!  He will lay down the law and say NO.  HAHA.  It will be my wish list.  Thankfully my teacher has told us a couple ways to get around all the bells and whistle extra parts until we can get them!  YAY.  

So on another note... I have been hardcore blog-stalking.  I am taking in all these DIY projects for decorating and refinishing and stuff like that.  I can't wait until we get our house and we can do stuff like that.  (Among other things).  I joined Pinterest yesterday.  I was hoping I would be able to find things and then blog-stalk... or learn how to do them.  I am so confused with the website HAHA.  

Ok, well I am going to try to focus this blog more on DIY and happy things.  I am SICK of being so depressed all the time.  It's kicking my rear end.  Besides, I joined MOPS at church and already after one meeting I am feeling more like a woman and happier.  I cried though during the meeting because of a song they played.  I kinda realized at that moment that my life was getting to the point where I could literally cry at the drop of a hat.... I need to change that.  I am sick of crying.  

Anywho... here are some super cute pics!!!!

 When did she grow up????

 Gosh, she is getting so big!

LOVE the crackle!!!!!

I have a super cute kid.....

I adore my daughter.... I can't wait to give her siblings :)  Ok, I can wait a little bit... just barely.  She is so cute.  I LOVE watching her grow and learn and change.  Every day she amazes me more.  

This Labor Day we drove down to Catawba, VA for the Webb reunion.... things are always "more fun"/ special when we go away.  Charli gets special foods she isn't normally allowed to have and gets to be messy :)  She loves it!

 Eating breakfast, fruit loops, on the bed.....

 Literally... ON THE BED!

How big does she look here!!!!  AHHHHH.  She is cuteness!

I used some techniques this weekend that I learned in my camera class!  Tomorrow is my second class.  Two more after it!  I am so excited!  

This Sunday is 9/11.  The ten year anniversary.  To say I am anxious and already worried is an understatement.  My husband is a pilot.  He will be in NYC on that day.  It freaks me out to no end.  I truly know that more than likely, NYC is probably going to be the SAFEST place to be that day... but still.  AHHH.  

We still haven't heard from the bank on the house yet.  HURRY UP!  We need our sanity back.  Our marriage has taken enough of a hit.  Almost 2 years.  I am crying daily.  I have muscle spasms.  My jaw has taken to locking up from the stress.  I can't think straight.  We think we can feel one of my bulging discs protruding more.  I have started to scream at Charli when I get too stressed.  I am thisclose to losing my mind.  I think my family is beyond repair.  One can only take so many shots to the heart before they die....  I've flatlined and come back to life too many times.  Even though we'll only be 15 minutes away.  I don't think I'll be able to have anything to do with my family for a long time after we move out.  That is NOT to say we don't appreciate the roof over our head and the food in our bellys.  But family is supposed to be more than just doing what you think is right.  You are supposed to love and cherish them.  It sucks when love is one sided.  While we were gone my Mom locked the cat in the basement utility room just because she was annoyed with him.  She is just waiting for him to die and wishes it would happen soon.  She is sick of taking care of him.  Well that's how I feel she treats me.  Like she is just putting up with us being here because she feels she has to.  Not because she loves me and wants to.  Really hard to stomach that when we used to be so close.  I of course am a glutton for punishment and still try over and over again to have the relationship we used to.  Only to be shot down and have my heart broken again.  I can't keep doing this.  I no longer want my family back to how we used to be.  I no longer believe it was real.  I think it was fake.  It sucks.  

I promise to NEVER let this happen to my little family.  I promise to always love and cherish my children.  NO MATTER the situation. 

Still unsure of where I stand....

I am going to do my best to NOT make this a "woe is me" post.  I am so sick of being like that.  But I did have a thought the other day about this... people always talk about pity parties.  I for real want to have one.  When I am unhappy and depressed I pull away from everyone because I don't want to be that person that just complains and cries all the time.  Mom's get together in Mommy groups all the time... so I think we should start a PITY PARTY get together LOL.  It would be the place to go and bitch about EVERYTHING.  But make it like "what happens in pity party stays in pity party"  LOL.  You get to just let go and have everyone be fully understanding and listening to you for a certain amount of time... say 15 minutes and then it moves on to the next person.  I bet it would be disgustingly therapeutic!  It would be just like going to see a shrink but its really your friends.  I mean who really knows what all is going on with their friends?  The things that scare them in their lives, marriage and parenting.  The things that are just going wrong and making them crazy.  Even if they feel its trivial and juvenile this would be a place to just put it out there.  No judging and no assumptions.  Just letting go.  

Just saying that made me feel better.  But things aren't better.  In fact, I think they are worse.  I feel used, abused and drained.  I don't mean abused literally.  I am just so unhappy.  I feel like by mo ving home  and having a baby, I ruined my marriage.  I am the one who made my husband so stressed out he can't even stand to be home.  By that I mean moving home is what stressed him out because of our living situation which was just made that much worse by adding a child to the mix.  As much as I want to just lay it all out here on this blog, I can't.  Out of respect for my husband and my marriage.  Just pray for us please.  I do ask that much.  We need it.  

So this past Thursday I started my camera class at FCC.  Just in the first class I learned a lot about it!  I'm already figuring out some things I was curious about!  So far I feel the money was well spent!  I am so excited to finish up this class and really get to work on using my camera!!!

Monday we are going to Aaron's family reunion down in Catawba, VA.  I am excited.  Last year it's were I met a lot of his family for the first time.  Something I never thought would happen especially if we had stayed in TX.  Because we are going, I am missing out on saying goodbye to my Grandma's house.  They are all up there this weekend cleaning it out and getting ready to sell it.  I can't even imagine what that is like for my aunts and uncle considering the house has been in their lives since they were very young.  It is killing me to not be there but I really wanted to go down to VA for Aaron's reunion.  My parents are bringing us back a ton of furniture from the house so I can keep it in the family and the memories.  

So keeping with the being all over the placeness with this blog.... now for Charli updates.  She is starting to walk.  She will stand up all the time on her own with no support and she will take a couple steps between people.  Just tonight she started to take some steps towards other things besides people.  It is quite exciting.  The first night she did it, I was crying so hard HAHA.  She would get up, walk and go to my mom and I would shriek and cry.  Freaked her out HAHA.  My bad.  EVERY time she did it I did the same shrieking and crying!  I was so excited.  She has also been pretty cuddly and wanting to always sit on my lap lately.  I LOVE IT.  Sometime about 2 weeks ago I swear the kid woke up and decided she is in love with books.  Before, we couldn't even get her to sit still for a book or even look at one.  Now it is all she seems to want anything to do with.  It is so cute.  She will bring you a book and if you hand it back to her or are busy, she cries until you read it to her.  I love that she seems so interested.  She is also pointing and grunting at everything until you tell her what it is.  I have been telling her what everything is and giving her stories or definitions of things.  For example, today we had a terrible customer service issue at Walmart... well I took it as the perfect opportunity to explain to my ONE YEAR OLD why it was bad customer service and how it was just flat out rude.  She seemed to be hanging on my every word.. BAHAHA.  Oh well.  

Anyways, this is the most scatterbrained post EVER.  And it's late and we have church in the morning.  I am enjoying this church so far. 

.............

That is exactly how I feel right now.

SO.LOST.

I gave a semi ultimatum today.  Let's see how that goes.