HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Today marks yet another FIRST for Charli!!!  Her first Easter.  I'd have to say it went really really great.  She didn't get to see her Daddy today because he left at "O-dark-thirty" but other than that it was great.  She was a perfect little angel in church, even made a new friend!!!  She slept the whole way up to PA and didn't nap at all while we were there.... AND she wasn't even fussy one bit up there!!!!  She napped for a few minutes on the drive back AND WASN'T FUSSY :)  My baby girl is growing up!  The Easter Bunny spoiled her today!

 Charli made out like a bunny ;)

 Our little bunny!

 In her Easter dress!

She is so beautiful

Yesterday we had another first.  She is officially a full on crawler.  Forward.  She had done like one or two steps the day before... and all of a sudden last night at Aaron's parent's house, she took off back and forth across the floor.  I was so teary eyed and a mess lol.  That brings a whole mix of emotions.  OMG my baby is mobile.  OMG my baby is growing up.  OMG she is that much closer to walking.  AHHHH LOL.  I am so glad that my in-laws got to witness a VERY BIG first of hers!  It just tickled them to pieces!  I love to see the joy on their faces (and Charli's) when they are with her.  I just wish she wouldn't fuss so much when we are there!  I try to talk it up before we go and tell her to be a good girl and everything.  Sometimes she is really good if I'm not there.  But I think she is getting better all around at hanging around other people while I'm there.  Only time will tell!

So I have been having A LOT of good days lately!  I haven't had a bad day in over a week.  It was as if just going to the doctor and talking about it and telling some friends what's been going on... let a big weight off my chest.  I have been feeling really happy all the time. There is no way the medicine has kicked in fully yet.  So I am very hopeful that I can get out of this.  We just need to move out.  Once we are on our own we can breathe a little better.  Relationships all around will be a lot better.  Still waiting to hear about the house!  Keep praying for us!

Ok Time for bed.  I will have a VERY busy morning tomorrow considering both kids are crawling now!!!  YAY!  Here are a few more pictures from today and yesterday!

It's a new day....

So, a lot has changed since my last post.  It's only been a week.  Life can change quickly. 

After my last post, I had a friend contact me and let me know they were concerned for me and that they were there for me.  They let me know that it sounded like I was suffering from postpartum depression.  After going over personal experiences back and forth and chatting with Aaron.  We decided it was time for me to visit the doctor.  I went so back and forth with the decision.  Without going to the doctor, I am still able to keep myself together for Charli (and Noah when we watch him) and shield her from my pain and upsetness.  I felt like I was an unfit mother just by agreeing to make an appt.  I've never felt that way about depression or anxiety before.  I have history of both.  I think because of comments from someone close to me, I was scared to death to admit I needed the help.  I have amazing support in the actual taking care of Charli.  For that I am forever grateful.  But when it comes to the support in having my back and being there for me... it is greatly lacking from some people closest to me.  They made me feel like I should never admit I need help because I am a bad mom.  After talking more to my friend and my husband, I finally realized that in order to be the best mom that I can be, I need to address my issues before they get too out of control.  So without further adieu... I am now on meds and will be going to counseling probably.  The doctor did say that I had a good grip on everything considering I was somehow able to pull together for Charli (and watching Noah) with no problem.  And being able to handle a fussy baby with only having EVER had like 3 breakdowns where I bawled along side her.  So within the next few weeks things should be more back to normal.  I will finally be able to feel like me again.  I'll be able to be the best damn mommy Charli could ever imagine. 

With all of this, it means I need to apologize to a lot of people.  I have completely shut out some people from my life because I just couldn't handle listening to them at that time when I was so out of control in my own head.  Apologies are definitely in order.  I need to learn to be a better friend.  If I have friends who can reach out to me when they have such crazy  busy lives themselves, I need to learn how to be better for my friends.  To let them know that I am always here.  

Anyways, enough with the sad posts.  There is light at the end of the tunnel right now.  I am on the mend.  Please bear with me through this process.  Especially my husband ;)

Second Anniversary....

Today is Aaron and I's second anniversary.  Not in a bad way, but it seems like years and years ago not just two!  But at the same time, time is flying by.  I mean a year ago today was our one year, and today we have a 10 month old baby.... INSANE.  Today we actually had the opportunity to be together on our actual anniversary.  BUT we only saw each other for about 5 minutes total.  He got me flowers and they are beautiful and I am grateful for them... but all I wanted was to spend time with him.  Does that make me ridiculous?

I cried a lot today.  And lately.  I can't ever seem to stop.  It is getting old.  I am so unhappy.  When I did finally tell someone what I think is wrong with me.  They said OK and walked away.  Thanks.  I appreciate it.  Doesn't seem to matter if I tell someone or try to tell someone what is going on.  I have to stay strong for Charli.  So when she is around I just put it all aside and so when she isn't there, I fall apart.  I can look at Charli and for that moment the world is ok.  I just heard this song... and it is so perfect right now....

Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky
Then it starts to rain, my defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around, so open and exposed
I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my trouble

When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hitting walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah

When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find its place

When you're broken, when you're broken

When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken
Oh, when you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken

Lindsay Haun- Broken

I can't seem to make anyone happy anymore.  I have hit the point where I have to concentrate on me even though it seems beyond selfish to me.  I am in that stage where I am afraid to go to sleep or lay down for bed because my mind runs wild.  Not that I would EVER act on it, but I really wonder how much happier some people could be without me around.  Would people miss me?  These are things I've always wondered my entire life even though they are morbid.  I wonder, who would actually come to my funeral and be sincere about it.  I have tried many times to run away from here and there.  I can't seem to find a happy medium.  I don't want to have to run away to find it.  I am staying put here.  My I am lost.  My heart is broken.  I am broken.  No matter how I get, Charli will never suffer.  I will never let her see how broken I am right now.  When she is around, she is #1 priority.  Until I can't see that, I will work on me by myself.  I don't need anyone else to help.  I can't rely on them.  No one.  

I don't expect my husband to understand.  I expect my feelings to cause bad feelings.  I can't seem to make him even begin to understand me.  Sometimes I really wonder why he is with me.  I personally wouldn't want to be with me.  LOL.  One of these days I'll find my footing again.  Until then... just bear with me.  I have good days and really bad days.  

On a good note, here are some cute pictures from yesterday and today.

 Charli and Noah playing :)

 Bug at the softball game!!

 Mimi and Charli watching something happening in the game.

My cute bug.

Cherry Blossoms 2011 :)

Yesterday we all went to DC for the Cherry Blossom Festival.  Charli, Aaron and I went on our first big educational trip where Charli can start to understand things (to a point...).  Before this anything we'd done, she was just along for the ride.  Now she can look around and see things she likes and people watch and such.  She was such a ham and so adorable.  

She actually looked at the camera!!!  With no prompting!

We had parked at East Potomac Park and took the shuttle over to the Tidal Basin.  From there, we walked to Pennsylvania Ave for the Japanese Street Festival.  Since we were so close, we walked over to the White House.  For that part, Charli was PASSED OUT.  During the time she was awake, she seemed to enjoy herself (as long as she had food HAHA!!)  I had bought this AMAZING invention before we left Frederick.... its a food/drink holder thing for the carseat and stroller.  I didn't want a repeat of last time we came home from DC and she screamed.  She is too small to reach her cup holders on her carseat or stroller so I thought this would be perfect.  It was beyond perfect.   For the most part, it kept her entertained.  We had such a great family outing day.  It was definitely needed for all three of us I think.  It was a lot chillier than we had expected.  But still more than fun.  We must have walked about 5-6 miles throughout the day.  HOLY SORE FEET BATMAN.  I am so not used to that.  But considering how sore I was when I woke up and how quickly it went away, I am so ready for doing more days like that.  I need to LOSE BABY WEIGHT bad.  

Yesterday may have ended up being a fun day, but it started off pretty bad.  I had a total breakdown before we even left the house.  Something as little as all the blossoms being gone because of a storm broke me down.  I was so upset.  Of course that wasn't the real reason I was so upset.  All I want is to be back to how my family (parents and sister) to be back to how they used to be.  I am starting to feel "forgetable" again.  I have always felt like I was invisible and that I had to work to keep friends or have people remember me.  Probably why I did some dumbass stuff in college.  I always feel like I am always forgotten about when it comes to people wanting to spend time with someone.  It is the most ridiculous thing ever.  I know that if people can't seem to care enough to think of us... then they aren't worth our time.  But I still feel so lost.  I want to be wanted.  I try too hard.  I feel like sometimes moving back to my hometown is the dumbest thing I have ever wanted to do because I resort back to how I felt in high school.  AHHH.  Something had been posted on FB and I was beyond upset I wasn't even thought of to join.  How immature can I be.  It is stupid.  But it is how I feel and I can't seem to get past that ever in my life.  At every juncture in my life, I have felt this way.  I should be feeling blessed for what I do have in my life.  Why can't I just let go and feel that way.

Anyways, moving on from my upsetness.... here are some pictures from yesterday...

 Cheerio coma on the way down... we always knew this would happen some day :)

 Charli and Daddy when we got down to DC

 Momma and Charli in DC

 Charli in a tree :)

 Our BUG in a tree :)

 I love that girl....

 My loves

 I can't tell you how much I love this picture for some reason....

 Charli is becoming such a ham ;)  First family picture :)

Someone took our picture for us!  Awesome family picture with the Jefferson Memorial in the background :)  Perfect end to the perfect day :)

Oh yea, funny story of the day.  Shortly after we get into the Tidal Basin area... we lost BOTH of Charli's socks.  I was kind of annoyed because we check her regularly (especially when its as cold as it was) and the fact that we lost them while a lot of people were around and no one helped us out ( I KNOW I KNOW... immature of me again....).  Anyways, about 5 hours later when we walk back to our shuttle stop, we found BOTH socks quite a ways apart.  It was the best ending to our day.  We couldn't stop laughing.  What were the chances.  

Anyways, tomorrow is our 2 year wedding anniversary.  Here's to mannnnnny mannnnny more <3

Life is good....

We found out about my car.  Only 70 bucks this time :)  Yay!  I can't wait to buy a new car still though!!! I know that all kinds of other dramas come with brand new cars.  BUT at least it won't be like a thousand dollars every time we turn around because everything is so old and run down!!!!  I have ALWAYS kept up all the maintenance and oil changes and all with it.  But it's a 1996.... you can't expect too too much.  It has 202,000 miles on it.  Everything except the engine and transmission are new on it now.  I am praying it lasts a lot longer.  Hopefully Aaron gets upgraded in the next year or so and we can just buy a new SUV. 

The past couple days Charli has gone pretty napless.  AND NOT FUSSY :)  It has been awesome.  We read some article about certain cues that our babies send us, and so far its been working.  She is such a happy baby lately.  It is either that we are reading her better now, or her and I both just hardcore needed our simultaneous meltdowns!!!!  Whatever it may be... we are all much happier now!  She is starting to pull up on stuff and crawl and sit herself back up.  It is so awesome.  And cute.  And I love it.  

Our Little Diva :)

She seems to love going to softball games.  Usually there is definitely enough going on to distract her!  

She is so beautiful.  I adore her.

We went to the TotSwap last week... we got Charli a whole bunch of new toys!  She loves them.  She is growing up!  Tuesday she will 10 months old!  AHHHH.  Insane!

Monday is Aaron and I's 2 year wedding anniversary.  Time for another baby ;)  HAHA.  Just kidding!

Today was a good day....

Two nights ago I got NO sleep.  Last night, storms were coming again so I took some sleeping meds.  THANK GOD for them!  I slept from 11p-10am!  That also means Charli slept that long.  She actually slept longer!  YAY!  Then she only took one nap today but it was for two and a half hours!  

Today I did a lot of thinking about friends.  I miss my friends.  I know I suck at keeping in touch with people.  I can't wait until we have a place so that we can have people over.  I know one thing I struggle with is seeing people and trying to get together when the ONLY place we can do anything is theirs.  I just feel like that isn't fair to them.  I miss entertaining people.  I miss all of the cooking and prep work going into having people over.  Today I made these sweet potato dumplings for Charli and my mom said they would be great as appetizers.  That made me sad.  She hates to have parties and such and so she always gets stressed out if I ask to have people over.  I want to be able to invite our friends who have to travel to see us to stay with us.  I want to be like, come, we have a room for you no matter what.  I miss having game nights with April, Shawna and Marshall!  We loved that!  I mean, I totally understand we have a baby now and half of our friends have kids too.  But that just makes it more fun.  I get to make food for them and come up with games and ideas to keep them entertained too!  I am seriously hoping we are in a house by Charli's first birthday.  Otherwise my mother will have to endure one more stressful day of having a party here.  I can't not have a first birthday.  I will go all out too.  Well as all out as you can for a one year old :)

Charli is so cute.  I love her smile and her laugh.  Now when you go to take a picture of her, the little ham cheeses at you :)  It is just the darndest thing :)

Murphy's Law

So last night, I got maybe 2-3 hours of sleep.  If I was lucky.  I hate thunderstorms!!!!  Unfortunately, tonight they are on the menu again!  I just don't sleep well  when it storms!  Tonight though, I have taken sleeping meds to try to not have a repeat!!!! (BTW if I start to babble... I took them a half hour ago hehe)

Today the kiddos were so cute!  Everyday they start to interact together more and more.  I love love it.  I am starting to see down downfalls to them crawling though HAHA.  Noah is everywhere, thankfully as of now he is still pretty slow!  I have a feeling that will change soon though!  I am hoping that with Charli watching him, she will start to go forward and sit back up on her own.  He gets frustrated and figures out how to change it.  She gets frustrated and just SCREAMS.  I try to just let her, but it doesn't change anything LOL.  Since my breakdown, she has been practically a perfect angel :)  I think if I don't feel well, she feeds off that.  It is sweet and all, but I want her to be good when I am sickly lol.  

After I got home from babysitting my car blows up.  OK not really, but it just got back from the shop a few days ago and something happened with the radiator.  DON'T get me wrong, I am NOT blaming the mechanic.  The shop we take it to is amazing.  I love them!  My poor car is so old, it is falling apart.  I of course started to bawl.  If it is going to cost a lot more, I am done.  I am sick of pouring money into it when it's NOT worth it!  It is just so frustrating.  But it's life as we know it.  

Today Daddy had a game.  It was such a nice day so we all went.  Charli loved it.... Ok I lie.  It may have been 80 degrees out.  But it was BEYOND windy at UHS.  Charli wasn't a fan.  It now looks like she may have gotten something into her eye and she rubbed it.  We will see how it looks tomorrow.  I ran into an old friend from high school there.  I always love running into old friends.  I wish I ran into people more often or that I kept in touch better.  I suck at it.  

Anyways, I can barely type I am so tired.... I hear the storm a cominnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

Finally....

So I finally seem to have kicked the migraine.  It's been a couple days of no migraine even though I've had a couple headaches and maybe some other symptoms of a migraine but no pain....  Any relief is welcomed.  It also brought on a MAJOR meltdown on my part.  A couple days of crying and then finally it all came to a head when Aaron got home on Tuesday.  We get down to DCA in good time, Charli is doing great.  The SECOND Aaron gets into the car, she loses it basically.  Well we were heading back home during DC rush hour traffic.  Instead of an hour, it took two.  She SCREAMED bloody murder the entire time.  She was basically hyperventilating in the back seat.  I tried everything I could from the front to calm her down.  NOTHING seemed to work.  Finally I hit my breaking point... I started sobbing... all out gut wrenching sobbing.  All of this in traffic.  I am more than sure the people in the cars surrounding us thought I was off my rocker (I guess technically I was!!).  Poor Aaron.  He had just gotten home and we were both losing our minds.  I couldn't stop crying.  Once we got home, I couldn't even look at Charli or be around her.  I went and hid out in our room for a while and poor Aaron didn't even get to change out of his work clothes.  I couldn't physically bring myself to be around Charli.  I hadn't EVER broken down like that. My Aunt called me the next day and gave me some great advice on Charli and how to handle everything.  I love her.  She took time out of her day to call me to make sure I was ok and try her best to help.  I think that helped more than anything.  I wish she lived closer! 

Apparently it was needed.  Now I feel as though a huge weight has come off my chest.  It is like I cried out all of my stress.  It made me sit back and realize what I needed to remove from my life and what was really important.  In all of it, I felt like I was losing Aaron for the past few months.  I guess it was freaking me out a lot more than I had realized.  Finally I feel like we are back into a good spot.  Maybe I was depressed and didn't realize it.  Who knows.  All seems to be better now.

Now for the house to become ours!!!!!  We are still waiting on the bank.  I am NOT a patient person....CMON BANK!!!! 

I am absolutely exhausted and have to get up early tomorrow.  We go hang out with Noah :)  They are both crawling now so it's a little more crazy.  Too bad Charli is only going backwards and gets VERY frustrated.  Noah goes forward but thankfully is still pretty slow going at it!  They are too cute.  They are getting so big and grown up seeming to me!  I love sitting back and watching them interact!  

Goodnight Moon