Second Anniversary....

Today is Aaron and I's second anniversary.  Not in a bad way, but it seems like years and years ago not just two!  But at the same time, time is flying by.  I mean a year ago today was our one year, and today we have a 10 month old baby.... INSANE.  Today we actually had the opportunity to be together on our actual anniversary.  BUT we only saw each other for about 5 minutes total.  He got me flowers and they are beautiful and I am grateful for them... but all I wanted was to spend time with him.  Does that make me ridiculous?

I cried a lot today.  And lately.  I can't ever seem to stop.  It is getting old.  I am so unhappy.  When I did finally tell someone what I think is wrong with me.  They said OK and walked away.  Thanks.  I appreciate it.  Doesn't seem to matter if I tell someone or try to tell someone what is going on.  I have to stay strong for Charli.  So when she is around I just put it all aside and so when she isn't there, I fall apart.  I can look at Charli and for that moment the world is ok.  I just heard this song... and it is so perfect right now....

Wake up to a sunny day, not a cloud up in the sky
Then it starts to rain, my defenses hit the ground
And they shatter all around, so open and exposed
I found strength in the struggle
Face to face with my trouble

When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken

Little girl don't be so blue
I know what you're going through
Don't let it beat you up
Hitting walls and getting scars
Only makes you who you are
Only makes you who you are
No matter how much your heart is aching
There is beauty in the breaking
Yeah

When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken

Better days are gonna find you once again
Every piece will find its place

When you're broken, when you're broken

When you're broken in a million little pieces
And you're trying but you can't hold on anymore
Every tear falls down for a reason
Don't you stop believing in yourself
When you're broken
Oh, when you're broken
When you're broken
When you're broken

Lindsay Haun- Broken

I can't seem to make anyone happy anymore.  I have hit the point where I have to concentrate on me even though it seems beyond selfish to me.  I am in that stage where I am afraid to go to sleep or lay down for bed because my mind runs wild.  Not that I would EVER act on it, but I really wonder how much happier some people could be without me around.  Would people miss me?  These are things I've always wondered my entire life even though they are morbid.  I wonder, who would actually come to my funeral and be sincere about it.  I have tried many times to run away from here and there.  I can't seem to find a happy medium.  I don't want to have to run away to find it.  I am staying put here.  My I am lost.  My heart is broken.  I am broken.  No matter how I get, Charli will never suffer.  I will never let her see how broken I am right now.  When she is around, she is #1 priority.  Until I can't see that, I will work on me by myself.  I don't need anyone else to help.  I can't rely on them.  No one.  

I don't expect my husband to understand.  I expect my feelings to cause bad feelings.  I can't seem to make him even begin to understand me.  Sometimes I really wonder why he is with me.  I personally wouldn't want to be with me.  LOL.  One of these days I'll find my footing again.  Until then... just bear with me.  I have good days and really bad days.  

On a good note, here are some cute pictures from yesterday and today.

 Charli and Noah playing :)

 Bug at the softball game!!

 Mimi and Charli watching something happening in the game.

My cute bug.