I didn’t expect it to feel this way….

So, I just didn’t expect it to feel this way at all.  I’m not sure why I didn’t see this coming.  Whenever you deal with a loss no matter how early it is, you should grieve.  I never did.  Even the day it happened I tried to ignore it and go on with my day acting as if nothing was going on, even though I was in a lot of pain.  For some reason I felt as if I was being punished so I had to just deal with the pain.  Like I must have done something wrong to have had this happen.  Right after it happened, I acted as if nothing went on and it wasn’t a big deal.  I even waited to go to the doctor.  It keeps blindsiding me.  Every time someone else announces their pregnancy, I get depressed.  I am so happy for them but the sadness and depression just creeps in and all the what ifs go through my head. 

I knew from the moment I got pregnant that I was.  This was during softball and all of the girls had figured it out too.  As well as most of the other coaches (even Daddy even though I tried to hide it).  I was so sick all of the time.  Crazy nauseous and dry heaving ALL THE TIME.  I mean all the time.  It was bad.  Charli was constantly worried when I would have to run to the bathroom to dry heave.  I felt so bad.  She would cry sometimes even though I tried to play it off.  Right about the time that most people find out, I miscarried.  I tried to act like since it was SO early on that it didn’t bother me.  It can be a blessing and a curse when you are so in tune with your body.  On one hand, it helps out when I go to the doctor and such.  But when I am in pain or things like that, it sucks.  This sucked big time.  I miss being pregnant.  I’ve been looking back at pictures of when I was pregnant with Charli.  I miss that big ole belly.  I miss feeling a baby moving around inside of me.  I know God has a plan and someway somehow this was a part of it. 

This happened in April.  I keep thinking about how far along I would be…. I would have been around 22 weeks pregnant now.  We would have just recently found out what we were having.  We would have been due around Thanksgiving.  God give me the strength at that time to be able to handle this.  I didn’t really think I would ever put this out there like this… but I am hoping it will be a step in the right direction for dealing with it.