Don't stop believin'.....

Friday, January 27, 2012

Blessings….

Sometimes you just have to sit back and count your blessings. Make your chat with God a little bit different that day. Every day I chat with the Big Guy. It’s not something I grew up doing… but as I have grown up, I have learned to rely more on Him and talk to Him more often and as he is a friend so to speak. I have a running convo going on with Him regularly since we found out I was pregnant with Charli bug. When Aaron and I had started talking kids… we both decided we wanted our kids to know God. To be comfortable with him. That meant I had to become more comfortable with him. I am still working on it. Privately, I have NO problem. Publicly, I struggle. It is not a secret that I believe in God. It is not a secret that I trust in Him. Where I struggle is actually talking to others about God. Some people can just come out and be like “yea, last night was really rough but I talked to God and he let me know it was going to be all ok and that he had a reason for everything”… I can’t do that yet. I don’t know why, but I can’t… not yet. I am trying to work on that.

So there is a reason for that little paragraph. Lately, life has just flat out sucked. To a point. Every aspect of my life has kinda sucked except for Charli. Every day I am able to put a smile on my face and mean it. Charli just has a way to be able to make me smile and laugh. She is hilarious and quite the nutcase! I love it! Lately she is getting more and more adventurous (and oblivious). So yesterday was quite the special day… we went to DCA to visit Aaron for the day. The drive down wasn’t bad at all. We picked Aaron up at the hotel and he drove us to Pentagon City Mall to park and take the Metro into DC. I am NOT a fan of the Metro in any way. They skeeve me out, freak me out and just BLECH. Well we got on and were on our way… Charli loved it… I had a couple little anxiety attacks and tears followed.

We fairly quickly got to the Smithsonian stop. We went straight to the National Mall for some pictures (I may be obsessed with pictures)

We were planning on going to the Air and Space Museum… we figured Charli would love it. Let me start by saying she hadn’t napped on the way down so a nap wasn’t going to happen unless she fell asleep in the stroller…. bahahaha fuuuunnnny. Definitely didn’t happen. But she was fairly entertained so it worked out. We basically let her do anything she wanted as to fend off a temper tantrum. So we spent a couple hours there and then decided to head back and get dinner at Pentagon Row. We were so stupid getting on the metro at 430-5… it was packed. But somehow I managed to not have an anxiety attack… I was petrified that we wouldn’t be able to get off at our stop though. It wasn’t an issue thankfully. So on to the fun part… we tried to go to an Irish Pub but again… wrong time. Happy Hour=crazy. We went to Chammps! Food was awesome. Charli decided to all out choke. I mean like stopped breathing-look of absolute fear on her face. I grabbed her out of her high chair and just as I was going to lean her forward she got it out. THANK GOD. So my anxiety was just about to completely bubble over the top. (This is where the whole first paragraph of this comes into play). I started to pray REALLY hard for God to bring me some calm. I needed Him to relax me enough to eat and enjoy my family time. So we finished up dinner and went out to the promenade to hang out. Charli say and watched the ice skating rink and we followed/watched her. She was so cute just exploring and having freedom. So moving on… Aaron was sitting on the concrete bench they have surrounding the landscaping… I was sitting on the concrete bench surrounding the fountain (wasn’t on). Charli was going in between us just being silly. So one time she goes to head towards me.. she starts running… she ends up TRIPPING and going mouth first into the concrete bench with her mouth open. Momma mode stepped in and I grabbed her up so fast after she slammed her mouth into the concrete. I freaked and just held her as she screamed. I gave her a second and pulled her back from me so we could survey the damage…. considering how bad it was and how HORRIBlE it sounded, I figured we’d end up in the ER and have broken/missing teeth and a gorefest. Nope. She barely had a tiny cut on her lip… a scrape really. A very little bit of blood. Aaron took her from me so I could check her out more and he could calm her some more (I was starting to completely lose it). I immediately asked God… um for real… I asked for CALM not chaos. I figure he is doing this to test me in some way. Use me as a pawn.. my marriage.. but not Charli. Anyways. So I eventually took her back and wouldn’t let her go. I want to put my kid in a bubble! AHHHHHH. This running conversation with God is going to be a long long long one Smile Specially since today she tried to do gymnastics OFF the recliner and into the piano later and then almost fly off the couch backwards… BUBBLE!

All in all. No matter what is going on… I wouldn’t change anything just because I wouldn’t have the best blessing ever… Charli. I was put on this earth to be her mother. That is something I truly feel in my heart.

Monday, January 16, 2012

It feels like it is all closing in on me….

I am so sick of this feeling. Like everything is just going to crush me. Fall in on me. Consume me. Nothing seems to work. Talking, getting away, reading, getting lost in the computer…NOTHING. I just want things back to the way they were. At this current moment I don’t see how that will ever happen.

My frustration with Charli is just hitting an all time high. 95% of the time everything is perfect and great with her. But her temper tantrums are reserved for me… her fussiness is reserved for me… her talking is reserved for EVERYONE ELSE. She won’t talk for me…. if I try to make her talk and push her to do it… she walks away from me. Anyone else, she will usually say it at least once. It is so frustrating. But I do at least know it is because she is with me all the time and that she feels she doesn’t have to perform for me. At least my child is smart enough to know she doesn’t have to perform for me in order for me to still love her. I have done something right there at least. I am starting to kind of feel like teaching her some baby signs, while it does lessen her frustration at not being able to communicate some, that she is just going to rely on that solely right now. She is so quiet! It is almost like my child is a mute. How did I of all people birth a mute LOL. No matter everything going on with her and her frustrations and not talking… I love this kid more than life. I will do anything for her. I love watching her grow and change and seeing her cute little faces. I really should do a collage and call it the Many Faces of Charli…. she is a nut.

I read this book called Harvesting the Heart by Jodi Piccoult this weekend. I figured reading some books on marriage and life and it all falling apart, would help me. It didn’t. It made things worse I think. I can sum it all up in one word how my life is right now. BLECH. AHHHHHH.

Here are a couple pics from our trip to NY

We got over a foot of snow while we were there!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Let’s see how this works….

I decided to try out Windows Live Writer… I’ve heard about it for blogging and don’t really understand the difference between this and using the actual website?!

Well I do see that I can have different fonts. That is kinda cool. Anyone else know what else the big differences are?

So I am not even going to lie… as I type this, I am watching Jersey Shore. I love watching this show. Thanks a lot to Murr for getting me and Aaron addicted. We always say it’s like watching a train wreck, you can’t look away. And it’s always nice to watch and think HOLY SHIT our lives are so much better HAHA.

On a totally different note, since we are thisclose to getting our own place… I have seriously become addicted to Pinterest. I have picked out different color schemes and décor for the house in every room. I went on a like 6 hour pinterest binge and pinned a bazillion things. I am trying to figure out ways to decorate on the cheap and organize on the cheap and just make it look like us and relaxing. My plan for our bedroom is to be as spa like as possible. I have this one idea I found but I’m not really sure how realistic it would be with kids. I am pretty sure my clumsy ass would trip on it in the middle of the night and half die HAHA…. Awesome spa like bed!!!!

Ok well it is bedtime now that GTL time is over. Going to visit Aaron for the day in Baltimore tomorrow Smile

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

So far.... not once....

So much for the working out bit.... it's not happened once yet. I got really sick on NYE and didn't get better until Monday sometime. I finally felt up to par on Tuesday.... we had plans to go to the gym. Yea, didn't happen. We got a text from my cousin who lives in Nashville saying she would be in Rockville for an hour on her way back to Nashville. We tried to go but traffic had other ideas.... I was bummed. So we went to Aaron's parents for the rest of the afternoon. I planned on going Friday to walk a few miles with a friend... then after I made plans, Aaron reminded me that he was going to be overnighting in BWI. DUH. So plans got changed. I think I am going to attempt to get up early tomorrow morning and go to the gym. If not... I HAVE TO GO FRIDAY MORNING. I may try to do some other things in the house tomorrow morning before lunch. I can try to work out some working out with Charli in the house. I had Aaron pack up the Wii and so I can't use my workout stuff on there. I bought the Jillian 30 day shred on ebay and it should be here soon. I hope I can do this. I am trying to watch what I eat (which honestly I've been doing for a year). I wonder if Charli will help me out with this :)

Speaking of Charli... she is such a nut. She is in her monkey see monkey do phase. It is hysterical. Makes me realize that we definitely need to watch what we say and do! She is adorable. She is getting better at listening most of the time... but she has weird little ways of listening... if you give her a phone and you hold a phone and tell her "Girlfriend, give Mommy a kiss" then she will... but if you ask her for a kiss without the phones... she won't. What a nut haha. I LOVE HER. She is such an independent little girl. It is so cute. She has to be able to do everything herself most of the time... only certain people can do things for her like her Grandpa :) When we go to the store I have to let her help me shop... she tries to help me clean and cook and anything else possible. I cannot wait until we have our own place and I can really let her help me with everything. I plan on getting her a play kitchen asap. I keep checking out craigslist and other things like that... I just can't get it until we have a place. I plan on also getting her a little cleaning kit LOL. Partially for my own selfish reasons haha. But really... she is too stinking cute about helping and mocking everything. At Aaron's parent's house... she will carry around the broom. Kinda funny considering it is twice her size! I can't wait to get her a play vacuum too :) Everyday it is something new with her and it is so overwhelming but in an amazing awesome spectacular way!!!!!!!!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Happy New Year! Recap of 2011

I hope everyone had a safe and funfilled New Year's Eve. We got to leave Charli with my in-laws for the night and went to celebrate with some old college friends of mine! It was awesome! Well sorta.... I got really sick about 9pm... yes I'd been drinking... but only a couple drinks!!! I ended up violently ill! It was horrible! I didn't feel better until today! So clearly something was going on! It ended up being a night that made me feel like I was back in college. Aaron made a point in saying we were clearly getting old if some of the stuff bothered us. I just laughed and said it shows we grew up and some people haven't. Something that sometimes doesn't happen until kids come into the picture. I was pretty entertained by most of the nights antics. We ended up getting basically no sleep. I still wasn't feeling well and our big air mattress deflated enough that it felt like we were on water... hello motion sickness! I still managed to have fun though! HAPPY 2012 :)

So 2011 recap:

Charli became teambaby to the best softball team in the state... No, really... THEY WON STATES!
Charli made it in the newspaper for a picture of her and Daddy at a game (Her PapaDaddy)
Daddy's softball team won the Maryland State Championship and Charli was featured in an article about them since she was team baby... for real the guy tried to interview her immediately following their win!
Charli celebrated her first birthday! It was so fun!
We had a crawler, who eventually turned into a walker
We had a house.... lost a house... got approval on another house. Waiting.
I suffered bad post partum depression. It sucks.
Aaron marked 4 years with American Eagle Airlines
Aaron finally started getting the perfect schedule (welll... the schedule he requests!) That is a HUGE thing to us :)
We bought our first car together... ok first car either of us ever bought.
Aaron and I went through probably the roughest year of our marriage yet... we have prevailed
We had our first Christmas together where Aaron or I didn't have to call our of work! And New Year's and the Eve's
We went to Michigan to visit my Papa and Dad
Charli and Aaron got to meet one of my longest (oldest) best friends ever. Friends since we were 4 and I got to meet her family!
My grandmother had to move out of her house that she's lived in since my mother was a preteen! On a good note for that... we have all the furniture needed for a house!
We added a member to the family... Aaron's brother got married in July.

All in all 2011 was a very interesting up and down year. Hopefully 2012 will bring us all kinds of new adventures :)

I have ONE resolution... to lose weight. I need to get back in shape so that I can spend time with my daughter and not have all the issues I currently have!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

December is always so crazy!

So this month has just been all up and down.... we only have a couple more days left... which means I think it will end on a good note :)

Since last post: I smashed Charli's finger in a door. We had her developmental evaluation. I sewed my first 3 pairs of pants. We got approval from both banks on a house. Waiting on closing. We had Christmas. Our 3rd since we moved back from TX. Charli has started horrible tantrum throwing. Charli has started wanting most anyone but me unless I am her only option.

So, Charli's finger. I felt like I deserved the worst mother of the year award. I was shutting my mothers door and didn't see that Charli had her hand in the hing area. I caught her pinky in the door BAD. I ran her downstairs to Aaron and as soon as I handed her to him I was started to get hysterical as she started to cry. I then realized she was bleeding and I just lost it. I was of no use to her. I couldn't do anything. I went nuts. I was sobbing along with her. As she started crying harder and harder and louder, I got worse too. I ended up crying up to my mom to come help Aaron. You would have thought someone died with how I was acting. My Mom and Aaron kinda just laughed at me and my mom told him to take care of his baby and she would take care of her baby. I was a mess. I couldn't believe I had hurt my baby so badly. How could I have accidentally done anything to her like that. I was inconsolable. And then I would get upset because I was so upset and unable to take care of her. Oh it was a horrible never ending cycle. I am thankful Aaron and my Mom were there! She bled and bled and bled but once she stopped bleeding, she was all ok. She babied it for a couple days but she was fine. I on the other hand... traumatized for life. I am so glad she will have no memory of it! Now to dig deep and figure out how I am going to handle things like that when I'm alone!!!!

Charli still isn't talking. So we had her developmental scan and she came out way advanced. Except in talking. She ended up qualifying for speech therapy through the county. THankfully the person who will be handling her therapy is a friend from high school. We start on January 9th. We started some baby sign to bridge the gap until she is talking... she has picked it up quickly.

Christmas was awesome. Charli was way more into it than I ever thought she would be at this age. She was so adorable and crazy and into everything. It made everything amazing just to watch her opening gifts and getting so excited about everything. The looks on her face were just priceless. I truly thought we had at least another year before she would be so excited about it. It was precious. Our beautiful baby girl is getting so grown up!